identify 100 things that make me happy.

-New York City
-Tokyo, Japan I feel like this place is made of the future.
-Ujamaa Hostel in Arusha, Tanzania. If you’re spending a long time in A-town, check this place out. You can thank me later.
-Philadelphia Community Acupuncture Anyplace that saves my life gets to be on this list.
-Three Rondavels, South Africa
-Chris & Meg’s table
-any nearly empty beach
-Nylon Pools, Tobago
-Orr’s Island, ME My partner has family there. Whenever we visit, I feel calm. Life up there feels the way life should feel.
-Asheville, NC This is the only place I’ve been certain I could go to without any money or place to stay and know that by the end of the first day there, I’d be taken care of.

Things have changed. I assume they will continue to do so. Therefore, no numbers. I’ll try to make each list categorized.

Here are the first ten, though.
- My partner. At the time of this writing, it’s been over four years. Four years of long distance, living together, travel, growth, and overall tremendous life experiences.
- My mother. I lucked out. She tolerates a lot of stuff she wasn’t raised to tolerate.
- Louis C.K. My favourite stand-up comedian. He’s angry, self-deprecating and frustrated in all the right ways. I can’t watch him without muttering some sort of thanks afterwards.
- Jayde McS. An Aussie friend I made in Tanzania. She’s tough, smart, gorgeous, and someone I know I’ll have as a friend no matter where in the world the two of us happen to be.
- Ryan O. Everyone who knows this individual is blessed. He is the embodiment of warmth, integrity, and compassion. He’s one of my best friends. We can talk about anything.
- K. Frasure The endless warmth and friendliness I get from Ryan, Frasure balances all of that out. He provides me with the abusive kind of friendship I thrive under. We can trade barbs affectionately and maintain a friendship over any distance. He, Ryan and I are a triangle.
- Jon Stewart I appreciate all he’s done for America, aaand want him to do more.
- Dr. White My favourite professor. I took as many of his classes as I could, even after graduating. I think of him often.
- Dr. Zimmerman A professor I had on SAS. She taught a gender & sexuality course I took (with Ryan and Frasure). I tend to believe that the more aware someone is, the less happy they are. She is the only person I know to have perfected being both thoroughly aware and tremendously happy. She is a symbol to me.
- Mama Upendo A beautiful Maasai woman I was fortunate to live with for the first half of my time in Tanzania. She was tough as nails and the most effective housemother I’ve ever met. She spoke no English and my Swahili was terrible, but we formed a bond I’m proud to have.

I have to say that with the excpetion of sincere compliments from someone I’m in love with, my main/only source of self esteem comes from accomplishment of some sort. This, for 3/4 of the year, means academically. When I get A’s, I feel pretty certain that I deserve to live. I throw myself completely into my work and feel so passionate about my future. Lame self worth issues aside, I love being an intelligent individual, or, even if I’m not really, I love feeling that way. I’m friends with more professors on my campus than classmates, and I treat them like my religious leaders. When I get attached to a professor, I want to have him/her touch my life forever. I want to be their pal. Heh, and as per goal #16 on my list here, I clearly even dig more (is it possible to lust after intellect?). I’m so starved for intelligent and stimulating individuals.
But anyway, the social aspect isn’t the main part of it. The learning makes me feel good, and I like feeling good. If my GPA were tangible, I’d probably cling to it like a teddybear at night while dreaming of doctorates.

.............agh. I’m such a bloody nerd. I am.

Jesse gets his own full entry.

We’ve been friends since I was 16 (that’s, what, seven years?). We’re not always near each other (during the school year, we’re 2-3 hours apart, and that kills), but during the summer, like now, we see each other quite often and it’s…it’s happiness. I absolutely love him.

I can feel what he’s about to say. Our jokes are 3- or 4-word punchlines that require no explanation [to each other] because our senses of humour are so harmonious; we know exactly what words to say to each other to get a laugh. I never have to worry about his not understanding what it is I’m trying to explain, no matter how complicated. Jesse always gives me a chance to elucidate when it comes to what’s inside my head because he wants to understand my point of view. I do the same for him. He’s what I call a “journal friend;” someone with whom you can safely store your fears, dreams, and silly thoughts that go in between. He helps me. He reminds me of my strengths when I’m feeling insecure and confused and gives me great advice when I need guidance. Ack. He’s so intelligent.

When we’re catching up with each other and reflecting on our combined experiences, I sometimes feel as though we’re experiencing life in this era together, and trying to figure it out. We talk a lot about people. We try to teach each other what only one of us knows. He teaches me to understand music as well as enjoy it, and accuses me of of being Socrates then tells me why. I let him paint with me and lend him my precious forensic behavioural analysis books. A philosophy major and a sexuality major make great friends. :)

He’s saved my life and has managed to make me feel okay at times when I’ve felt so completely alone with my complicated thoughts. Times when even I’m convinced that I’m too neurotic to have someone who gets me. I sound dramatic. It’s just that I have so much respect for him for a reason.

I absolutely love him and I need him to be a part of my life for as long as I am to survive. I sound like I have an unhealthy dependence on him. It’s possible, but being the “intellectual elitist” my advisor at school assures me I am, in a place like South Jersey, I have to cling to people like Jesse. I lucked out. He’s possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to me.