Well I see him in two days, but Ive decided to go along without the intentions of speaking to him and instead focus my attention on all my other friends.
Ill have more fun that way and it has been a while since Ive seen any of them so itll be nice to catch up and let our hair down before christmas. Not to say that Ill ignore him, just that I wont act as tho hes the only person in the room.
This is after all the first time weve been out properly since the incident and unforunately we’ll be going to a few of the same bars no doubt but Im going to play it by ear and see if he approaches me.
Besides there’ll still be a couple weeks before the end of the year.. I think it’ll be good for me to tell him but I dont want it to change the dynamics of our group, but then we hardly see each other anymore anyway…
So Im thinking of writing an email to him instead, as Ill get it across better.. that might be a better idea?
I think telling him how I feel isnt what I really want to accomplish here. What I want is to know where I stand so that I can finally move on from him and look forward to a fresh start in the new year ..
If I lose him as a friend because of my feelings, its his loss … if i have to I put put aside my feelings for him, (Ive plenty of experience there) for the sake of our friendship, not so bad … and if we get together even better. What I dont want is him to think Ill be a friend with benefits, cause trust me; I wont do that to myself.
So its all or nothing, all systems go, carpe diem .. whatever. I have 3 weeks to sort this out once and for all, Ive already left it 2.5 years too late!
till I see him. We’ll be going out with friends as a final get together before christmas, Im looking forward to it, he’d be the best present although I dont think Ill have the guts to tell him how much I like him, maybe its more then that (Ill never say that word!!!)... over the years Ive known him, other guys have come, but theyve always felt like a distraction and when theyve gone my mind goes right back to him!
In the past all the guys I have liked have never really been happy to know and they definitely havent had mutual feelings. And when you do like someone it is sooo easy to over analyse every little thing they do and say that you can never tell for sure if youre picking up on something or imagining it. Id like to believe that he likes me, but I also dont want to be disappointed.
“A love that cannot declare itself is a heavy burden to carry.” DS
I had a dream about him last night.
It wasnt a romantic dream, in fact we were shopping in a supermarket but it has made my feelings toward him come rushing back all the same…
The last time we went out alone, after a kiss and refusal from me I thought he said something about declaring his love and me knocking him back, but cause he is as sarcastic as I, I laughed it off and applauded him for his acting skills. Can you believe it? It was only when I saw this flash of, I dont know, perplexity across his face did I think maybe he was being honest with me but it was already too late.
The thing is I gave him an open invitation to go out almost a month ago and he hasnt taken me up on it. It may be because he doesnt like me, it may be because of the history there is between us or it may be because he thinks Im not interested or maybe because he knows I am … Im so confused!
I want to tell him how I feel but I have so much respect for him as a person and find him a great influence and advisor that I dont want to risk losing his friendship altogether… and from our history thats exactly what might happen.
I guess the first step would actually be admitting to myself how much I still like him.
I keep trying to ignore it and hope it will just go away but it hurts so much!
So its fair to say I like him. I like him ALOT. I always have.