I’d managed to put everything to the back of my mind for the most part… communication with my best friend is few and far between since he’s so busy and Ive tried to ignore that niggle in the pit of my stomach.
But my sister decided to put on a show today… ‘friendzoned’, and asked me if my best friend had ever admitted to having feelings for me. I shrugged it off without giving a definitive answer but everyone knows he has.
What noone knows is the state of things now. Half watching the show brought it allll back. The point of the show was for bestfriends to go about admitting their true feelings for one another… the results? Rejection. Friends that never spoke again. Friends that dated for a couple weeks then decided to stay friends. Friends that got together. And friendships that turned awkward.
The more of the show I saw, the worse I felt. You cant predict how things will work out but by the looks of it, going from friends to more doesn’t guarantee a great future.
Not that there has been any development.
But I do kind of feel like I deserve this, you know… karma, what goes around comes around. I spent years insisting on being friends, nothing more… and now I can begin to understand how he must have felt.
We finally had time to hang out. This is only the second time in as many months that we’ve spent time together, and even though we don’t talk as often as before, when we do its comfortable and fun and natural as always.
Before I left though, I braved it and brought up the subject of “us”. My thoughts were kind of confirmed… as much as I like to believe that we do possibly want to give things a go, its all come at the wrong time.
Theres not anything I can do or say that will make this all work out. Whatever will be, will be.
just how I wished it wouldn’t.
We’re both busy and he has no time for me… when Im alone, have nothing to do or simply walking down the street, my mind wanders and it all comes back to this.
Me and him. This relationship or lack thereof. The fact that I feel so rejected weighs heavily on my heart.
That I let down the walls for him, the carefully constructed barrier that seemed to dissolve around him is now reenforced. Stronger.
Im numb to it. Indifferent. In a way, I expected it… it all seemed too easy- the idea of love being within my grasp. The comfort of someone else’s company. The plans you both have that seem to interlock with each others.
And with a blink of an eye, its all gone.
So, I found out the reason my best friend has been semi distant with me about this whole getting together thing for the past few weeks. I’ve never mentioned it on here before but Im a virgin and when we departed down the romantic road, I told him because I wanted to be open and he was the last person I expected to see it as a problem. And in fact, his response at the time was great… a little too great I suppose.
I guess, the fact that most girls lose it in their early teens means that apparently, to guys… at my age its equal to having the plague. Most, if not all the guys Ive seen romantically in the past have lost interest around the time theyve found out. I know its something theyd surely find out or realised themselves eventually so I never see any point in trying to deceive them.
But now I dont know where this leaves us…
Do I regret telling him? Yes. Do I think I was right to tell him? Yes.
Okay, the main reason I write these entries is because I havent shared any on this with anyone else and it allows me to get it all out without taking it out on the person in question. By writing it down, I can see where Im being paranoid or overly sensitive. Plus, I try not to let people see self-conscious, unsure side of me… Id like to give of this air of being selfassured and confident. But in love I am not those things… although I am trying.
So anyway. This whole situation with my bestfriend is niggling me… Im trying to ignore it but it really does seem like hes not interested in pursuing anything with me anymore. He hasnt said anything of that sort, but when I saw him last he seemed cold/distant and we havent communicated much since.
If thats the case, Id just like to know so I can move past it… for someone that has wanted something more from the offset of our relationship, itll hurt if it turns out that now his feelings are reciprocated, he doesnt care.
It took so much for me to finally admit my feelings, not only to him but to myself. Ive let down so many walls throughout the years that he’s seen the truest version of me than anyone… for him not to want me after all that, for him to think Im not what he wants in a girlfriend like he hasnt had enough time to realise, thats what will hurt the most to hear.
I dont want to fall for him if its not going to last, and if we end up going back to being ‘just friends’ (even though it hardly feels like things have changed) than i really dont think it will be the same.
So Im trying to keep myself occupied with other things, Im just so confused.
We had the talk, or rather I brought the talk up because I can’t be in limbo with someone, not knowing where I stand or where the relationship is going… or if it even is one.
But I think I brought it up too early… its just knowing someone for so long, its a hard transition to make. We either are or we’re not.
Anyway, the only conclusion we came to is that we don’t want to go down a ‘friends with benefits’ road. Whatever that means… cause it doesnt feel like we are together, like together together. Unless we’re both very relaxed about the whole thing.
I’m trying not to push things now, letting things develop at their own pace. No more ‘talks’. Those sort of things scare guys away.
My best friend has been away for the week… at first, it didn’t really bother me, it gave me the time and space I needed, to think over what has been going on between us these past few weeks.
I made a vow not to bug him too much while he’s away and just let him message me when he’s free… which hasn’t been often.
But having the chance to clear my head, I’ve realised that actually, I miss him more than I thought I would and that when he gets back, as hard as it may be, I should tell him how I feel and we should talk about maybe, seriously, giving things a try.
Until I saw his comment on an (ex?) girls picture calling her a sexy princess and then I wonder… am I being played by my best friend?
I saw him a couple days ago… I don’t know what to say. Even though we are seeing each other more often, I still don’t know where I stand, or where things are going… the more confused I am about the situation, the less I feel things are right. If they were, why would I have so much doubt.
When we used to hang out before, it somehow felt as though we were an item, just without any intimacy, but knowing that he had feelings for me made me feel selfish and I feel its worth a try. Sure we’ve kissed and stuff but Im scared to take things further, to the point where there really is no turning back.
Us together, for me, is like saying goodbye to all the future plans we had spoken about. Sharing a flat, going abroad… those things now would mean something sooo different, and if we go back to how things were before all this, could we still do those things? What if things don’t work out… and I start seeing someone else. What then? Will they expect me to cut him off, to relieve him of our friendship. I don’t think I could.
Being best friends for sooo many years, I havent told anyone about this development, I always liked being able to prove that the opposite sex can have a platonic friendship and part of me wishes we could go back to that… I need to figure out how I feel but I cant get my head straight.
Am I thinking too far ahead? Am I just thinking too much?
I’m no good at this.
I’m no good at letting people in. Im no good with uncertainty. Im no good at living in the moment. Im no good at letting go and being forward. Im no good with change and not knowing where I stand.
I hate letting on to other people how much I like them, I dont like the feeling of them knowing they have power over me, or my emotions. I like to give off this air of being in control even when I least feel like thats what I want to do. Sometimes I want to give in but Im scared things will move too fast and Ill regret it later. Im scared of what theyll think of me, Im scared that when they get what theyre after theyll disappear.
I try to tell them parts of this but I dont like how it comes across… I dont want them to think Im too much to handle. That Im fragile or naive.
Sometimes I think itll be easier to stay as friends because I can already see myself caring what he thinks about things I previously was not bothered about, caring if he’ll make time to see me as much as he did before, caring whether his actions towards me are different. It bothers me that things are so comfortable yet new at the same time… that tells me we cant go back.
I dont know what Im doing and it shows, I think. When Im with him and I start thinking over these things, my mood/reaction changes and he can sense it and although I want to talk it over, sometimes I think its all in my head. So this is a running commentary of everything thats running through my head now. Like if I can get some of it out Ill be able to establish whether Im overthinking it all or not.
I asked him what is going on between us now… he said he hadnt thought about it, and for some reason that stung. It was as though he didnt care to make things official, that maybe his motives had changed and if thats true Id want to put my hands up right now and say stop. Stop giving me hope in the idea of us. If thats true Id rather remain friends.