Im going to retire this goal for a little while, but first I thought Id post an update of where I currently stand with everything.
That weekend I spent moping about was definitely a pivotal point in the whole best friend saga. Even though I suggested meeting up on his return from his birthday break, Ive yet to hear from him… and to be perfectly honest. Im so over it, I couldnt care less.
Thats not something friends do, and its definitely not something someone who wants to be with you would do.
Ive gotten to point now that i dont know if I even want someone like him in my life anymore. Its certainly an INFJ thing that I tend to do quite often with people I feel have betrayed, let me down or simply reveal they dont share my morals, I decide to cut them out and move on. Of course, months down the line I reevaluate the situation, feel guilty or unjustified and end up reaching out again but for now, I can say that I wont be the one to make the first move regardless of whether he knows it or not. He has revealed a lot about himself, a whole side I obviously wasnt subjected to before and I dont like it. I dont want to be with him and I dont know if a friendship can be salvaged.
What this has done though, is taught me a lot about myself and relationships and now I feel more ready to share myself with the right person, especially as its a little clearer now, what kind of guy that might be.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
Anywhere I would have followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Me and love.
Me and him.
I was excited for weeks… my best friends birthday was coming up and as I’d only seen him once (briefly) in months I thought it’d be a nice excuse to hang out. I even bought him a present (something I’ve never ever done) and was planning on baking him some cakes (something Ive always promised one day Id do). I asked him what he had planned and it sounded like it would be another day of work and family and not much else.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I messaged him on the day to hear he wasnt even in the country. Someone (male? female?) had taken him away.
Id been holding on, hoping that this would be the chance to see him, to see how things are, to see where things might go. Instead, I moped around listening to the above song, the lyrics of which are so fitting now.
I just dont get it, how could things have turned out this way. Why did he encourage me to develop feelings for him if he doesnt want me. So now all I have is this gift for him here, a reminder of how foolish I’ve been. I give up.
I’d managed to put everything to the back of my mind for the most part… communication with my best friend is few and far between since he’s so busy and Ive tried to ignore that niggle in the pit of my stomach.
But my sister decided to put on a show today… ‘friendzoned’, and asked me if my best friend had ever admitted to having feelings for me. I shrugged it off without giving a definitive answer but everyone knows he has.
What noone knows is the state of things now. Half watching the show brought it allll back. The point of the show was for bestfriends to go about admitting their true feelings for one another… the results? Rejection. Friends that never spoke again. Friends that dated for a couple weeks then decided to stay friends. Friends that got together. And friendships that turned awkward.
The more of the show I saw, the worse I felt. You cant predict how things will work out but by the looks of it, going from friends to more doesn’t guarantee a great future.
Not that there has been any development.
But I do kind of feel like I deserve this, you know… karma, what goes around comes around. I spent years insisting on being friends, nothing more… and now I can begin to understand how he must have felt.
We finally had time to hang out. This is only the second time in as many months that we’ve spent time together, and even though we don’t talk as often as before, when we do its comfortable and fun and natural as always.
Before I left though, I braved it and brought up the subject of “us”. My thoughts were kind of confirmed… as much as I like to believe that we do possibly want to give things a go, its all come at the wrong time.
Theres not anything I can do or say that will make this all work out. Whatever will be, will be.
just how I wished it wouldn’t.
We’re both busy and he has no time for me… when Im alone, have nothing to do or simply walking down the street, my mind wanders and it all comes back to this.
Me and him. This relationship or lack thereof. The fact that I feel so rejected weighs heavily on my heart.
That I let down the walls for him, the carefully constructed barrier that seemed to dissolve around him is now reenforced. Stronger.
Im numb to it. Indifferent. In a way, I expected it… it all seemed too easy- the idea of love being within my grasp. The comfort of someone else’s company. The plans you both have that seem to interlock with each others.
And with a blink of an eye, its all gone.
So, I found out the reason my best friend has been semi distant with me about this whole getting together thing for the past few weeks. I’ve never mentioned it on here before but Im a virgin and when we departed down the romantic road, I told him because I wanted to be open and he was the last person I expected to see it as a problem. And in fact, his response at the time was great… a little too great I suppose.
I guess, the fact that most girls lose it in their early teens means that apparently, to guys… at my age its equal to having the plague. Most, if not all the guys Ive seen romantically in the past have lost interest around the time theyve found out. I know its something theyd surely find out or realised themselves eventually so I never see any point in trying to deceive them.
But now I dont know where this leaves us…
Do I regret telling him? Yes. Do I think I was right to tell him? Yes.
Okay, the main reason I write these entries is because I havent shared any on this with anyone else and it allows me to get it all out without taking it out on the person in question. By writing it down, I can see where Im being paranoid or overly sensitive. Plus, I try not to let people see self-conscious, unsure side of me… Id like to give of this air of being selfassured and confident. But in love I am not those things… although I am trying.
So anyway. This whole situation with my bestfriend is niggling me… Im trying to ignore it but it really does seem like hes not interested in pursuing anything with me anymore. He hasnt said anything of that sort, but when I saw him last he seemed cold/distant and we havent communicated much since.
If thats the case, Id just like to know so I can move past it… for someone that has wanted something more from the offset of our relationship, itll hurt if it turns out that now his feelings are reciprocated, he doesnt care.
It took so much for me to finally admit my feelings, not only to him but to myself. Ive let down so many walls throughout the years that he’s seen the truest version of me than anyone… for him not to want me after all that, for him to think Im not what he wants in a girlfriend like he hasnt had enough time to realise, thats what will hurt the most to hear.
I dont want to fall for him if its not going to last, and if we end up going back to being ‘just friends’ (even though it hardly feels like things have changed) than i really dont think it will be the same.
So Im trying to keep myself occupied with other things, Im just so confused.
We had the talk, or rather I brought the talk up because I can’t be in limbo with someone, not knowing where I stand or where the relationship is going… or if it even is one.
But I think I brought it up too early… its just knowing someone for so long, its a hard transition to make. We either are or we’re not.
Anyway, the only conclusion we came to is that we don’t want to go down a ‘friends with benefits’ road. Whatever that means… cause it doesnt feel like we are together, like together together. Unless we’re both very relaxed about the whole thing.
I’m trying not to push things now, letting things develop at their own pace. No more ‘talks’. Those sort of things scare guys away.
My best friend has been away for the week… at first, it didn’t really bother me, it gave me the time and space I needed, to think over what has been going on between us these past few weeks.
I made a vow not to bug him too much while he’s away and just let him message me when he’s free… which hasn’t been often.
But having the chance to clear my head, I’ve realised that actually, I miss him more than I thought I would and that when he gets back, as hard as it may be, I should tell him how I feel and we should talk about maybe, seriously, giving things a try.
Until I saw his comment on an (ex?) girls picture calling her a sexy princess and then I wonder… am I being played by my best friend?