do not let others hurt me

All it takes is a little bit of self-love.
How hard is that for people like me? I wish I were happy. I wish I did not seek oblivion from myself and my real life. I wish I could spend my days in fruitful activities instead of losing myself in wishful thinking or silly activities like overeating, chatting on the Internet, talking on the phone with strangers, oversleeping, endlessly waiting for an email or sms or IM from I don’t know who… Unless I stop this vicious lifestyle I will always be frail and easily hurt, because deep down I too think that somebody who lives like I do does not deserve much respect.
It takes self-love and self-respect. I need to work on self-respect now.

43things challenge: I’ve made up my mind that, for one month, nobody and I say NOBODY must feel free to hurt me. If they do, I’m not gonna play along with it.
Maybe, if I manage not to let strangers hurt me for a whole month, this feeling of frailty, helplessness, and unworthiness will go away.

Looking backwards to my past relationships, a pattern seems to emerge regarding my expectations every time I get romantically involved with someone: it looks like deep down I am convinced that that particular guy will finally make me happy, and that happiness would not be possible without his love for me. This holds true even if the guy in question is someone I hardly know or someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. Is this irrational or what? Why do I constantly feel prompted to give up all my self-love and self-respect in the name of romance? Wouldn’t it be possible for me, as it is for others, not to fall desperately in love every time I have sex with someone?? Why do I have to consistently put myself in the debasing position of being rejected?

This guy who kissed me on the beach…How could he ever assess my value in any way? And how can I possibly believe he’s the most perfect and lovable guy on earth?? I hardly know him, he hardly knows me. All I know is that we had a good time. There can be a thousand reasons for him not to want to be in a relationship with me (he might already be in one, he might have…I don’t know…health problems…how the hell would I know??). Yet, it’s been a week now that all I do is wait for him: I haven’t been able to do much else, apart from eating and sleeping and day-dreaming. I’ve been waiting for him as if he were really important to me. Well, admittedly he might actually give me some things, because of all we’d do together (I’m not talking about sex here but rather about his hobbies and lifestyle which I like very much and which I’d love him to share with me). But, even if there is indeed some kind of advantage I might gain in being with him, this does not mean that my whole value as a person can or should be questioned just because a perfect stranger won’t give me a call. I do not have the right to make myself miserable because of this. I owe it to myself to always struggle to make myself as happy as I possibly can. This will help me find my centre. My centre cannot be and will never be someone else, even if that someone truly loved me. Remember that, balumina: NE-VER!