Lose 10 pounds

OK, so this is my second (serious) shot at losing weight by committing to 43things public challenge. I hope it’ll help me out. I reckon in these last couple of years all my attempts have ruinously failed. I feel very determined now for two good reasons:
1. I am fat, grossly fat and I am ashamed of myself so I just hide from other people (no social life AT ALL). I cannot go on throwing my life away like this. Now I am really really fat: none of my clothes fits me any more but one, and that’s the one I wear every single day to go to work. I’ve gotta shrink.
2. I haven’t had sex for too long (years I should say, with the exceptions of a very few flings here and there). My opinion is that I get rejected because of my fat ass and fat thighs. I’ve gotta get rid of the filthy fat to increase my chances of getting laid (...how sad, isn’t it?)

There’s also a 3rd reason:
3. MC is giving me an opportunity to be motivated enough to lose weight: in a couple of weeks I might be seeing him again, and I need to be beautiful for him.

OK, it’s not that I have to be beautiful FOR him, but it’s just one more way to feel motivated. Unfortunately I’ve given up on losing weight a long time ago, and that’s not good. I’ve gotta be slim. That’s been my dream for all my life. I’m fucking 35. It’s high time I slim down, for once in my life.

I’ve just noticed that “lose weight” ranks nr.1 on both “today’s most popular goals” and “all-time most popular goals” but it is not at all present on the “achieved goals” list.
This makes me think….
It’s kinda sad, isn’t it? Everybody wants it, nobody gets it.
On the other hand it makes me feel a lot better: it puts my weight problem into perspective.
If I look at it this way, it is not my problem any more as much as it is a social problem. This makes it easier to handle but sadder to look at because of all the people actually starving all over the world.

I am considering aiming to lose 5 pounds only. That wouldn’t be what I had in mind in the first place but still it would be a good achievement.
Thus, instead of 129, I’ll go for 134 lb and I really really hope I’ll manage to do that. Wish me luck, I need it!!

I do not dare to step on the scale. Yesterday I binged like crazy and did not even purge. Today I’m so filled up that I’d like to fast (all I need is water to purify my body) but I’ve been invited to a dinner party at some friends’....what am I supposed to do? If I eat today I’ll surely gain weight instead of losing it. Maybe I should give up on the party, but I don’t have many friends and I need to improve my social life….What a dilemma! I shouldn’t have binged yesterday: it all happened because he called me two days ago and yesterday I was craving for him to call me, but he didn’t so I turned my disappointment against my self…How do I have to explain to myself that the enemy is NOT me??? Silly silly balumina!

I don’t know how it is going: yesterday I ate too much and breakfast this morning was also over the top. The point is that it is very hot these days, I have been working like crazy running around like a headless chicken, so I feel weak both physically and psychologically. Later in the afternoon when I finish work I’ll have a good sleep, and procrastinate everything else: my well being must come first. I just need to find the will power and focus to go to work now.

I want to see my body in shape, my legs, my muscles, my skin…just as they are meant to be, and not, as they are now, covered in a thick layer of fat and cellulite: that’s not who I am.

Age: 34
Original weight: 139 (June 17)
Weight at the moment: 135 (June 26)
1 st target: 129 lbs by June 17
Final target: 123 lbs (August 17).

...but I don’t have the courage to step onto my scale: if I had actually lost weight, that would give me vertigo: silly as it may sound, I’m actually afraid of accomplishing this goal! On the other hand, if I have NOT lost weight, that would make me feel helpless and I wouldn’t know what else to do but seeking comfort in food, since I’m already doing my best to do eveything I need to lose weight… So I’ll just keep my fingers crossed and go on like this for some more days: eat little and healthy, exercise, socialize. Bye bye!

I just finished my exercise routine and I feel good, real good. We’ll see how it goes when I come back from work, which is usually the worst part of the day ‘cause I feel lonely and overwhelmed. But…so far so good.

it was ok until 45min ago when I felt the pang of loneliness and blind despair and I did it once more: binging and purging. I feel ok now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.