Be able to escape anxiety and depression

I feel like I’m trying to stay a step ahead of this “funk.” When it descends it fills out my whole body, filling up all the voids and it’s the only thing that I can feel. I don’t want to feel it.

I’m not as optomistic. I lost it. My half-sister (only 16) recently OD’d on a bunch of pain killers. Her liver failed, but the doctors were able to return its functionality. This has blown open all the family issues that have been weighing heavily on her own shoulders. I’m not surprised. I am incredibly good at sensing what I refer to as darkness…that lingers over people. I don’t know what else to call it besides “darkness” or a “dark cloud.” When I try to explain this, people often think I mean something evil and sinister. That is not what I mean. It’s that heavy melancholy of depression. Maybe I can only see it because sometimes I carry it. I can always pick it out. I wish I could pluck her away, at least for awhile.

Lately I have been extremely positive and optimistic. I’m in a good spot right now. I find everything in life to be extremely amusing too. I can’t seem to stop poking fun at people. So this is good (although a bit strange for me). I hope I don’t have a hard fall.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m floating on through life, not accomplishing anything significant. I start to wonder why I’m here, what is the point of all this, is there even a point to living? When I hit this point I can’t even remember anything good that feels real.

I’m feeling awfully low today and beset by too many changes. There’s good and bad, so I’m a bit ambivalent, but mostly sad. I got two calls from close girlfriends. One called to tell me that she’s pregnant. The other one is pregnant and called to tell me that she’s getting induced tomorrow. I have to make three phone calls to architecture firms today. One I will for sure turn down (hate making these calls). The other two I need to decide between. It looks like I’ll be starting a new job next week. This means that I need to find an apartment as well and bring my cat down here somehow. But the emotion sitting in front of all the others is caused by the end of a seven year relationship. My boyfriend and I just ended things yesterday because we want different things.

So the Fiesta Days ended here, and so did my consumption of margaritas and/or coronas. Of course, the depressants that they are, I was feeling quite low for a few days. That would be the worst side-effect of alcohol (well, for me that is). Of course being in a new place (feeling almost entirely alienated) and looking for the right job doesn’t help. But I just keep moving forward.