Love without fear

I know before I said that James and I realized nothing would ever happen… well I was wrong. He will be here in February. Then he will be eventually moving out here with me, then in a few years we will be moving back to the west coast. It has only been words so far, and well this is the plan, I hope it goes as planned. I am so scared on what could happen. I don’t know what to expect, which is driving me crazy. I am avoiding the full attachment until Feb. that way if I do get hurt it won’t be as bad. I am learning to love without fear, but to protect myself at the same time. I think my biggest fear is to be hurt. And I am tired of being hurt. I have had enough of that in my life.. I really don’t need anymore… Now I need to be patient until Feb.

Today I spoke to my Ex Andrew. And it made me think, that I did love once without fear, and it was with him. Not once was I afraid of rejection, or anything like that with him. The things that I would have normally been scared about in a relationship, I wasn’t with him. I never had any doubts of trust either with him. I keep trying to think of what kind of state a mind I was in, during the beginning of our relationship. Obviously we are not together now. We haven’t been for almost 2 years, but oddly enough we can still talk. Today we talked just about all day… Some about his current relationship, and about our relationship and just some BS here and there. It really does make me feel batter that we can talk to each other after we went through.

Our relationship did not end on good terms, and I will be the first to say I did mess up the relationship. I was stupid, and no I didn’t cheat on him or anything like that.

Why is so hard for me to find someone like him again? Why do i have such a fear of rejection, and such a fear of trusting other people?

Today I spoke to James about what was bugging me. I am glad we could talk about it, and realized that nothing would probably never happen between us. Not only because of the distance, but I believe that if either one of is got the chance to do anything with one another I think one of us is bounc to chicken out, and we would only hurt one another. I would never chicken out though, and I don’t think he would but that is the feeling that I have had. I would just about give anything in the world to be there close to him and be with him, I honestly do love him. It would be the best feeling that I have had in a very long time to wake up next to him. I guess that I am dire need of some true affection and some one on one contact with someone that I truly care about and love. I am still so scared of being hurt, but I no longer have the fear of rejection.

Now I need to find someone closer worth loving since I can’t have what I would love to have now.

It has been 10 months since Bryan died, don’t get me wrong I am ready to move on… There is no reason to sit here and not be happy and shelter myself from not being happy. I have a friend named James. James live in California. I have known James for about 4 years… we have always had a thing for each other, especially when I lived in Phoinex because I was so close. We never dated or anything, because well he had his stuff going on, and I had stuff, and it never seemed to match up until now. But now I am living in North Carolina, and well I let the things he told me get to me. He poured his heart out to me in a IM, well we were have a web cam convo. I didn’t know what to say to him, because I don’t want to be hurt… He lives so far away now, and he had his chance before but he didn’t want it. Now he wants to tell me he loves me so much, and it hurts because he can’t be here and stuff like that. It made me cry with all the things he said. It went on about 5 hours…. till about 7 this morning… lol I couldn’t sleep…. and it wasn’t cause of that… but this is going to sound corny, I went to leave him a comment on his myspace, and notice he changed something on his top friends so he added another girl by me on his top friends, I am number one and now some Nikkol chick is number 2. When I hover over her, his bio about her comes up (he has a custom page) And it is sole mate this sole mate that, and I am so in love with her. Then I go look at her comments and there is more lovey dovey stuff….

Accomplishing this goal is becoming harder and harder.