be happy

I am pretty happy right now. I have been for a while now. I have been doing a great job on keeping myself happy. I have found the things that have truly made me happy. (besides my daughter)

I have been having a tough time the last few days, since it is the holiday season and I am without Bryan. It is so weird seeing all the pictures we took a year ago. It makes me want him here so bad, but I know that he isn’t here for a reason. I wish he was here for his daughter at least. It is going to be horrible in February when it marks one year since he has died.

I wouldn’t have been happy if it wasn’t for James. I can’t wait until he is here. He really does make me happy, and make me feel wanted and such… And well he loves my daughter. I am still not getting fully attached. I am happy though, and he makes me that way. He makes me feel so much better.

Gawd I love him.

I have already realized that I cannot be fully happy until I can make myself happy. I am working on making myself happy, which is juts basically working on myself to make myself a better person. I know I spoke to someone the other day about how I was trying so hard to become a better person but it turned out I made myself a horrible person. I was trying so hard, I looked past all the things that truly made me happy and what made me such a great person.

I have become content with myself, and realized I will continue to be a work in progress. I wish I could go back to the times where I was truly happy, and when I would have someone to look back at me and I could see happiness in them. There hasn’t been too many times in my life where I have been truly happy.

Recently it has been hitting me pretty hard since I have had a constant reminder of one of the biggest things I screwed up in my life. I know this is why I am trying to hard to become happy again.

I am glad I have my daughter, she does bring me so much happiness, but there is a space in my heart that needs to be filled.

So this begins my pursuit of happiness.