Be honest with myself

I wanted him more then anything.

Yes anything.

I found some bit of happiness.

I don’t know why I said I was miserable.

I was stupid.

I am now beginning to believe I will die alone.

No one wants me.

I fucked up…

Can I be anymore honest then that?

Can I be happy with doubt? yes
Shouldn’t actions speak louder then words? not always. Somethings are left better unsaid
Do I still think I am ready for this? If I am not ready now I never will be
Why can’t I stop crying? because I truly do care and love him, and love hurts sometimes
Why did I get myself into this? I didn’t “get” myself into it. I chose to give things a chance.
Why couldn’t I just stay sheltered and locked up and not let anyone in like I have been doing? Because I will never be happy that way
Why is it that for so long I hating be alone, and I almost have someone here with me and still feel just as miserable? Because I am afraid of failure
Why is it when I give people the benefit of the doubt they still disappoint me? It is better to be disappointed then giving up

I am shocked… He didn’t call me before he went to work. He didn’t text me… nothing…My day is going by so slow just sitting here waiting… it hurts. I shouldn’t have said the things I did.. I should have just shut up and kept biting my tongue.

I really did want my name there… I really did… I still do… I am only iffy on it because I don’t want him to look back one day and regret it.

I should have just shut up before it came to this.

I thought hearing his voice would be enough…

No matter what I say or what I do to try to keep tings good or perfect it isn’t enough.

I apologize because I really mean it but it is like nothing.

Who the hell am I kidding thinking that this will work? I know relationships aren’t perfect, but if they are getting this bad now, how will they be in the future?

I was happy, I wanted to spend my life with you, I wanted you to be apart of my family.

Now I am hurt, sad, pissed, angry, upset, can’t stop crying again, realizing I am so freakin weak… I am not a strong person anymore… Don’t know if I could spend my life with you if we can’t talk about problems, I tried to let my wall down. I really did.

I tried to make things right, they got worse…

now I expect the worse and I don’t want that. I really don’t…

I need help.

He needed sleep… I need sleep. My daughter finally feel back asleep… but I am unable to sleep… My mind is racing. I wish he would see where I was coming from and just let it go. Things can’t be perfect. Nothing has to be justified to me. I understand people have lives, even if they are different from mine.

I chose to stay home with my daughter and not go out. I chose not to go out and meet new people.

He just needs to know I love him. I love him so damn much. I want things to be right. I want a good family… I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to bitch. I want to be happy, I don’t want to worry, I don’t want to waste time or effort, and the last ting in the world that I want to do is put him down. I should have never talked to him the way I did…

just know I love you.

Can I be happy with doubt?
Shouldn’t actions speak louder then words?
Do I still think I am ready for this?
Why can’t I stop crying?
Why did I get myself into this?
Why couldn’t I just stay sheltered and locked up and not let anyone in like I have been doing?
Why is it that for so long I hating be alone, and I almost have someone here with me and still feel just as miserable?
Why is it when I give people the benefit of the doubt they still disappoint me?

One day I should be able to answer these questions…

Well my phone rang…

I was put on hold…

Then I got to listen to conversations going on, on the other end…

Got put on hold again….

Listened to more conversations….

I thought the point of calling someone was to talk to them… not to the people around you. I thought you were supposed to engage in a conversation with the person you called.

But now I feel like you were telling me I was wrong because I was upset that you called me and put me on hold and talked to everyone else around you, after the fact that you have not been around all day. I think I was better not knowing you were back from the Christmas get together. I would have just gone to bed… and maybe if I was lucky… catch you before you went to work tomorrow since I most likely won’t catch you when you get off work. I was fine sitting here doing my own thing instead of waiting constantly for you… later to find out you are now drunk…

Do I really want this?

If it even fuckin worth it?

And no I am not talking down to you, This is me being honest with myself and with what is going on in my fuckin head.

I am pissed. And you may have been laughing about it with your friends when you were telling them I was pissed, but when you said you were going to stay home, I expected you to stay home. When you said you were tired, I didn’t expect you to get drunk. And when you said earlier you would be here… you’re not. So yeah I am pissed…

Thanks a lot. I wasted more time then I wanted to…

why the fuck would I want something like this…

Gawd I am really starting to hate this time of year… someone just shoot me and put me out of my own misery already.

Why is it when I want someone to talk to me for once… or get any kind of attention when I actually want it, I get blown off…

Why the hell am I in such a horrible mood…

Why do I want to cry?

Do I even want this?

I wish my phone would have rang already….

Ohh well… it is going back in the other room…

Should I keep going out of my way???

kicks something

make it stop…

Tomorrow I will be seeing my biological father for the first time in about 13 years. I am nervous and scared. He has not wanted anything to do with me or my older sister since my mom took custody of us many years ago. In fact he even told our mother that he didn’t care if she tired rocks to your feet and threw us in a river.

So since I was pregnant, he has been making an effort to be involved in my life, because he wants to be around my daughter. I also believe it is his new wife that has been pushing him to do it. Her name is Karen. She is very nice, I actually talk to her through e-mails on a daily basis.

She knows I am not close with my ‘father’, and she says she knows i have my reasons, and nothing could make things right from the past, but we can make things good for the future. I can’t lie to myself and say that I don’t want things to be ok, because I do. And I honestly think it is taking a lot for them to come here and spend 3 days here. I know I will never trust him again, but I do need to give him a chance….

So we will see how it goes.

I know that I am depressed. Hearing it from someone else, especially a Dr, really hurt. For so long I have lied to myself, telling myself that mentally I am ok, and that I am not depressed, even though I know deep down I am. I know I need professional help, and I should be on meds and such, but at the same time I don’t feel it is right. I would rather do more of this self help. I don’t want to be on the meds because of my daughter, and I don’t want to talk to a stranger about my problems face to face. When I can type it here, and have a bunch of other strangers read it and feedback if they want.

The biggest lie I have told myself is that I am ok. I am not ok. I am miserable, heart broken, and lonely. It is not fair that I have worked so hard in my life and the bad things have happened to me. I am still so scared to tell my daughter things, I am so scared of where i will be 5 years from now.

I need to tell myself the truth that things will be ok. I don’t need anyone else to tell me that. Now I just need to believe it.