I care about what other people think about me so bad that sometimes just the thought of what people would think of my clothes determines what I wear for the day. I hate it. I have no idea where this need to have peoples approval came from. I feel so horrible when I think about it. When I get dressed I think, if someone were to look at me what do I want them to see me as? And then whatever I feel like people seeing me as for the day that’s how I dress. I’m not saying I go out and buy clothes just so people see me as this specific person, but I use what I already have.
I also care about what other people think about me that when I go to places I limit how I act or what I do or say or anything really. Like when me and Bubb went to 311 last week. I would have loved to go dance with them on the floor, but again I’m too concerned with what other people are thinking if I were to do this. I hate how I’m like this. Like honestly what’s going to happen if I were to dance at a concert? Nothing. I’ll probably have tons of fun and love my life. I would also have tons of good memories to share with the people in my life I care about.
As sad as this sounds to me or to anyone that reads this. I think alot of it has to do with my weight. I hate my weight so much and I wish I were back to the size I was before I started dating Bubb. It’s sad. I’ve gained alot of weight dating him and I’m not sure what made that happen. If we went out too much, I just had hormone changes, we sat around alot, or something else. I don’t get it, but I’ve gone up almost 8 sizes since we’ve been together. Oh god!!! Just typing that made me feel like more of a fat ass than I thought I was. :’( I’m going to cry now.
