be closer to my mum

Last night, Mum and I watched ‘The Dark Knight’ at the cinema. It blew me away and by the looks of it, it blew her away too. It’s the first time I ever watched a movie with my mother. I’m grateful she spared a few hours to spend valuable mother-and-daughter time with me. This probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to others but it is to me.

I miss my mother. She’s never around. She’s too preoccupied with work. She dreams big and she’s doing everything humanly possible to ensure she achieves this dream of hers. She works as an architect, she’s currently President of the Korea-Australia Building Association, she’s studying her Masters at Sydney University, she is trying to become an WorkCover accredited trainer…she’s applying to become a Justice of Peace and on top of all that, she is a mother. Well, a part-time mother.

I understand she’s also doing all this in order to support the family and improve our financial situation, but I honestly believe she’s overdoing it. She’s rarely home and when she is, she hops on the computer or she has her head in a book. She’s so unbelievably busy… She has no idea how much I miss her. My sister does too, albeit not as much as I. My younger sister has become accustomed to my mother’s absence and sometimes, I detest my mum because she’s not there for Caroline just like how she wasn’t there for me during my crucial childhood years. My mum thinks we’re close but I think otherwise. She barely knows me, what’s worse is that she doesn’t try to get to know me. Then again, who could blame her? She barely has time to sleep, let alone eat properly.

She doesn’t know what’s happening in my life, she doesn’t know how sad I’m feeling, she doesn’t know how lonely I am, how much I need her and crave her attention. She tells me that she loves me but those are just words. What does it mean? ‘I love you’. What could it mean? There are no actions to back up those three words. She loves her dream and deep down, I know she loves her family but sometimes I wonder which one is of a higher priority to her.

I desperately wish she and I were closer. When will she ever find time for her family if not now? Lost time cannot be recovered. I don’t want my sister and I to grow up and reflect on our childhood, thinking, ‘Where was mum?’...