live my best self

what an epiphany! I get frustrated and depressed seeking and seeking for myself and not getting anywhere! Spending more and more time on ‘finding myself’ thinking if I just dig a little deeper, look a little bit harder/longer, surely I will find who I am then! Inverse it. Instead of fumbling in the dark, stop and think, who do I want to be? Perhaps I haven’t had success because I hadn’t defined what that meant to me personally, so how then could I have known what to look for and recognised it when I found it?
Inevitably, failure would have happened if there was no blueprint to look for.
It goes on the assumption that there is a complete blueprint somewhere inside that you have to find, but what if you haven’t unconsciously asked yourself the important questions, whose answer would fundamentally define the shape of your being.
Finding yourself presumes that somewhere in your past you have consciously or unconsciously questioned and answered yourself the big/small questions and now you simply need to reconnect to those forgotten answers. What if, consciously or unconsciously you never asked the question, therefore, there is no answer to find? You will be frustratingly seeking something you actually can’t find because you haven’t been through the process of asking yourself on any level. You will waste more and more time and energy when stopping to realise that you can’t find it and then asking what you want to be/behave in respect of the situation would be the way forward. Is there embarassment in admitting to yourself that you don’t know the answer to how you feel/who you are in this situation? For me, I don’t like to admit to being so self-unaware to myself, it tells me I am unworldly, unsophisticated, uneducated….traits that make me cringe in myself.
So, after all this….I understand it’s about creating yourself…rather a mammoth task. How do you do that?...