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will never be learned until I actually believe I’m worthy of them?
I want to elevate so, so much but my strategy is flawed by the consuming belief that I am beyond help. For all the momentary drive I summon, it is challenged and defeated every time by the belief that I’m not worthy of success in any form, so I unconsciously sabotage myself to continue the belief cycle. I realise that I have created this situation I’m in, that a part of me is seeking this situation to continue. This just makes me feel worse. It doesn’t tackle the credibility of the belief that I’m not worthy of success/beyond help. I just can’t rationalise myself into believing it. There are things I want to do in life, but it feels like it’s slipping out of my grasp because i was never worthy enough in the first place. I don’t know how to move my head out of this…and nothing will change until I do.
Someone very wise asked me a while ago, if I was willing to sit with the pain. I have flitted into it, rationalised it wouldn’t change anything when it got too hard, and closed it off again to stumble on. I haven’t felt comfortable enough to open up to my christian friends because i know self-hatred is a sin, and I can’t bear their disapproval so I keep quiet.
why do I hate myself? It’s not the worldly success I seek, although comfort would be nice. It’s the feeling that I’m failing at being myself, not being successful in the things I feel passionate about, that make me who I am. Yes, I want success, but success in being myself. Since I have expended most of my energy placating others, I neither had the energy to be myself or define who that was/is.