write poetry again

some poem fragments last week. I read more poetry than usual, and was, admittedly, directly inspired.

I’m in a crisis, I need help
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again
Come on be a friend

Nina Twin is trying to help, and I
Really hope that she succeeds
Though I picked the thorny path myself
I’m afraid, afraid of where it leads

Chemicals, don’t strangle my pen
Chemicals don’t make me sick again
I’m always so dubious of your intent

Like I can’t afford to replace what you’ve spent

Nina Twin is trying to help, and I
Really hope she gets me straight
‘Cause my own inner cosmology
Has become too dense to navigate

Chemicals, don’t flatten my mind
Chemicals, don’t mess me up this time
Know you bait me way more than you should
And it’s just like you to hurt me when I’m feeling good

(Album: Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?)

From Wikipedia:

In his review for Pitchfork, Andy Dubbin suggests that ”’Heimdalsgate’ takes up the drugs-as-artistic-inspiration vs. drugs-as-personal-ruin dilemma and plays it out with equally conflicted musical gestures.” The interpretation of the song’s subject matter as drug-related is not uncommon—but according to (Of Montreal frontman Kevin) Barnes, neither is it valid. Asked “Are you a stoner?” by The Stranger’s Christopher Frizzelle in direct reference to the song’s “chemicals”, Barnes says, “Yeah, that has nothing to do with drugs. That’s the chemicals in your mind.”

FRIZZELLE: Serotonin?

BARNES: Yeah. I went through this chemical depression, and that’s when I was writing a lot of the songs for Hissing Fauna. They’re all songs about that experience. And I was experiencing it in the moment that I was writing the songs, and sort of asking myself: What the hell is going on? Why are you all of a sudden totally paranoid and plagued by these anxieties? And why is everything so distorted and confusing and fucked up? My lifestyle hadn’t changed that much. And then I realized, well, there’s something going on inside of me that I don’t have control over, and then you realize how vulnerable you are to these things, these elements that you can’t understand, or unless you go on medication and get it under control. It’s like you’re being betrayed by your body.

FRIZZELLE: Sometimes if you just put on a dress or something your whole mood can change.

BARNES: To some degree. I’d gotten to that point where nothing was working. I was borderline suicidal, and my relationship with my girlfriend had totally eroded and she’d gone back to Norway with our daughter and everything was totally fucked, and I was just like, What can I do? “The Past Is a Grotesque Animal” is about that. The lyrics tell the story of what was really going on and the music sort of represents this other emotion that I wish existed. The music was really happy because I wanted to make something that would lift my spirits.

“Heimdalsgate” is the name of the street in Oslo on which Barnes lived; the “-gate” suffix in Norwegian means “street”. “Promethean Curse” alludes to the ancient myth of Prometheus; Barnes is thought to be employing the curse as it pertains to “the burdens of consciousness and creativity” inflicted upon mankind when, against the demands of Zeus, Prometheus brought fire to earth.

“A Language Older Than Words”
Oct 29 07

Reading his writing
makes my heart feel like a ripe,
low-hanging berry.

(w/ apologies to Derrick Jensen)

This is going to sound pretentious, but: if I’m not writing poetry, I’m nothing. The quality of my poetry is the ruler by which I measure the quality of my life.

I haven’t written poetry in approximately two years, which tells you right there how desperate I am becoming.

Depression, writer’s block, shattered illusions, disconnectedness, chaos, backslipping.

If I start writing again, it will be a legendary day indeed.