beckerkorn / BlueHeron has written 7 entries about this goal
really close to this one. It has been a long, strange trip, but I may be nearing the end of it.
Maybe I am simply fooling myself when I say I’m ready to start dating again….. BUT…. all I’m saying is I had a great time. :)
He is stark mad, whoever says,
That he hath been in love an hour,
Yet not that love so soon decays,
But that it can ten in less space devour ;
Who will believe me, if I swear
That I have had the plague a year?
Who would not laugh at me, if I should say
I saw a flash of powder burn a day?
Ah, what a trifle is a heart,
If once into love’s hands it come !
All other griefs allow a part
To other griefs, and ask themselves but some ;
They come to us, but us love draws ;
He swallows us and never chaws ;
By him, as by chain’d shot, whole ranks do die ;
He is the tyrant pike, our hearts the fry.
If ‘twere not so, what did become
Of my heart when I first saw thee?
I brought a heart into the room,
But from the room I carried none with me.
If it had gone to thee, I know
Mine would have taught thine heart to show
More pity unto me ; but Love, alas !
At one first blow did shiver it as glass.
Yet nothing can to nothing fall,
Nor any place be empty quite ;
Therefore I think my breast hath all
Those pieces still, though they be not unite ;
And now, as broken glasses show
A hundred lesser faces, so
My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,
But after one such love, can love no more.
Still not over him.
I made that abundantly clear to myself yesterday. I spent the afternoon in bed, weeping and gasping. Something had triggered me to miss him intensely.
Then I had to drag myself out of bed, shower, and head to work to craft lattes. It was annoying.
...if I really want to get over him, or if it really matters whether or not I do or don’t, can or can’t.
If I still love him, I still love him. It takes an awful lot of soul-wrenching to deny it and pretend I don’t. It’s starting to add up. It’s painful to lie to yourself every day.
Some people fall in love with each other for life, and stay married until one of them dies.
I feel that I’ll continue loving him until I die, just like that. It’s just that simple.
I think that if I just admitted it, and let go of this twisted wish to be “free” of him (when he’s the one who set me free in the first place), and let myself love him while expecting nothing from him in return, I would shed a heavy burden.
The only problem is, what does that bode for future relationships?
Should I just love him, without trying to stop, until I meet somebody else whom I love more? (And what if it takes another 22 years?? It took 22 years the first time!)
Hmm. It’s a puzzle. What should my goal BE? To live in a state of pure, nurturing love that I already know firmly exists in my mind (and in consequence to always live somewhat in the past); or to deny it and force myself to reject my emotions for the sake of being reasonable, rational, and forward-looking?
(edit, 10 minutes later) Upon reflection and a flash of inspiration, maybe what I need is closure that can only come about by facing how I still feel about him before I can begin processively grieving his absence.
I’ll know I’m over him when I can make myself happier than the memory of him can.
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