Hello! So I’ve just finished my group therapy – aftercare (which is the thing you do after rehab although i never went to a rehab). I’m SO GLAD it’s over!!!! I quite enjoyed it at the beginning but towards the end i found i couldnt identify with the people at all.
I’m staying at a friends and she’s just gone to the pub. I found myself getting a bit jealous of that. I’ve been through quite a lot of emotional stuff in the past six months and I’m starting to feel better. I found myself thinking ‘maybe I could have just one drink now’. Sigh. I havent’ been to an AA meeting for about a week either and I guess this is the part where you need to be super careful as the old thoughts can come in telling you you are alright now. Which is why I thought I’d drop in to see how everyone is! Glad people are still posting. The demon drink is always waiting it seems..
I am just over a year with one relapse. I’m not feeling the urge to drink but im addressing all the emotional problems that led me to drinking. GOSH I AM EXHAUSTED! its very tiring all this group therapy and therapy stuff. i know it is good for me but im waking up with huge headaches. im really proud of myself though and im hoping life will get better soon the more i address the emotional stuff. so tired today!!!! i cant believe how much i drank on every little problem and how unaware i was of how i was feeling. i would have drank through it all and pushed all the problems down and forced myself to go out if i was tired..
well done everyone that has even made the step to post on this site.. this was the first step for me … its not easy to get off the roundabout of drinking.. but when you do! keep at it..
how the weekend can seem like so long ago. i forgot about sat night and binging on that bread. everyday i feel like im leanring something new. i have entered ‘aftercare’ now. which is like what you do after you come out of rehab. except i didnt come out of rehab.
so. one year sober – with one relapse – so im counting that as a year – not restarting like they do in AA. anyway – this after care stuff is amazing. AMAZING. so far. because its making me look at all my behaviours. i can see now that in my first year it was all about how to stay off the drink and trying not to drink and as i get better i am noticing WHY i used to drink more. and my bad behaviour too. i guess im actually starting to get really honest with myself. which is proving interesting. dont get me wrong i still struggle. i still have days of denial ‘was i that bad’ ‘have i over anazlysed’... ‘can i go back to normal drinking’.. but I noticie those thoughts and i battle them. i know that really i dont want to go back because i have made so much progress. also i get tested in the house i live in and would lose my accommodation so cant drink. i think that however lonely it gets sometimes that is defo worth it.
i just need to find more hobbies… my old hobbies of festivals and parties just doesnt fit anymore.
keep up the battle. damn – its hard – but however much i moan nothing beats waking up knowing exactly what you did the night before, hydrated, fresh and ready to work on yourself.
keep going. no one said it was going to be easy.
mainly because feeling a bit lonely. nothing is as fun- i mean the parties! i have such social anxiety at them! i never realised that! i wen tto a party tonight and i didnt know what to say to people. interestingly listening to a girl go on abut how much she drank though and how she wants to give up. left party early. there was a fit guy there but was too shy! i dunno when i go to aa – i always think its so unfair that i have to be there! i had horrible dreams from red bull the other night. drinkng dream that reminded me of why i gave up in first place!!! need to find my confidence and find how to let go again. this guy i was dating knocked me confidence wise – adn im tired of eveyrone who is in ‘recovery’ talking about it being ‘fixing’ on someone. i mean how do people even fall in love in recovery – everything is so bleeding analysed!!!!!!!
missing the fun times.. remembering it wasn’t THAT FUN in end. miss parties and letting go and the times when i could drink socially i guess. feeling a bit of an outcast. but hey ho – must must MUST be strong and not hurt by guy and learn to let go and sit with feelings and and and all that stuff!!!!!!!!! and to have faith and believe. Kaslo – amazing post. to everyone else – keep up the good work!
rant over. its 2am in morning where i am. gonna treat myself to another slice of toast. yum. i deserve it. xx
Hello! So. I should really check in with whats been happening really. I kinda got bored of going to aa. I live in this dry house now and im 31 and I started to think – ‘have i just let myself get brainwashed… have i over analysed the whole situation.. maybe i wasnt that bad..’
you see life is hard and im not still where i want to be yet. i guess the first year (although i had two relapses) was all about getting through the merry go round stage. and now i need to change my behaviours. i was dating a guy. he is also in recovery and it went a bit … down hill. i ended up really liking him but i was waking up with the worst.. i mean THE WORST feelings in my chest. Like DOOM. and i was experiencing anxiety. So i finished it.. then tried to restart it then finished it. Anyway – i swear to god – the feelings in my chest and the emotions… well i felt like dying. i really did. i was so sad. its like being 16 again and having your heart being ripped out. I EVEN WROTE HIM A POEM. OMG. So… anyway I am proud that i didnt drink. even though i really really wanted to at times.. i kept thinking.. im stronger than this. i was crying on the tube etc. anyway i think that i figured out that my self worth is really not strong and the reasonswhy i usedto drink. i need to change some of my behaviours around my relationship stuff. so ive been going back to AA and im starting to feel slightly better and the cryings stopped and i re read all my posts on here to remind myself of WHY and how HARD it was to stop in the first place.Why undo all the hard work.
I havent heard from him. It hurts but that’s the way it is. SELF HELP BOOKS AND CHANGING ONESELF IS THE ONLY ANSWER
thinking of you all. couldnt have done it without this forum. hope you’re all ok. becki :-)
so ive been sober for nearly a year now. with one night of relapse. which i count but i still been sober for a year now. i can now hang out in bars etc and not feel tempted which is good. im learning a lot about myself all the time. im starting to realise that im very anxious when it comes to relationships and i have a lot of negative behaviours round them. i think that is a major reason why i drank. so i didnt have to deal with the rejectoin and feelings. ihave had a terrible week in terms of love relationship where i met a guy i liked and i was horrible and pushed him totally away. evry day i woke up with a very heavy feeling feeling and every night i can’t sleep. i have had that hangover feeling and its been horrible. i am so afraid of all this stuff but am so proud i havent drunk. im not doing so great with the aa stuff ive gotten a bit tired of it all. i suppose that was bound to happen? i guess now – ive gotten off the roundabout of drinking (seriously couldnt go back to that!!!!!) i now have to look at some of the reasons why i did. these feelings are a shock to the system i can tell you!!!!!
please post more!
and pushed him away because i was scared. ahhhhhhhhh.
if i was drunk would this pain be easier?? he hasnt texted and im in so much pain. im such an idiot.
missing alcohol today. not really it but for the pain relief. im going to try sleep. early night then! ahhhh.
how bad it was one year ago when I ran to the alcohol help centre in tears after having been pushed over in the street in blackout.
those many weeks/months of being on that rollercoaster and not being able to get off. i have had the thought pop in to my head many times lately ‘have i just been over analysing the whole thing?’
‘maybe there was nothing wrong at all.. is my life better now.. am i boring now…? maybe if i start drinking again i can have one or two and it will be more fun???’
what a load of bollox. i know i cannot have just one. i know secretly deep down i want a bottle of red wine. but thank god i am too scared to take it. i havent worked for a year and i guess im feeling a little directionless. but im starting to relax for the first time in a long time. i havent got an AA sponsor anymore. i couldnt handle the pressure of the last one and it got a bit intense on the sharing stuff. i think i want to find someone i dont have to be so reliant on. im not sure i like those sort of relationships if im honest.
you might remember i moved in to a dry house a month ago. if you drink you get chucked out. i was so scared in my first week. i really wanted to leg it. but its not so bad now. one of the girls relapsed the other day. it was really horrible to experience. i havent seen anyone drunk for quite a while. and it was NOT glamourous. she had to leave. i guess knowing i lose my accommodation if i drink is a good thing. although in my head there is always something that wants to mess up what i have.
sometimes its hard helpng ourselves isnt it?
did a bit of ‘dating’ recently too. was with someone who was super needy and couldnt handle it. not whilst i am trying to keep myself on the straight and narrow. sometimes i feel lonely.. relaly lonely. there havent been many friends about on this journey – its been a lonesome road – and the people around me have changed quite a lot. but i know i am meeting new connections. whether they are keepers or not – well only time will tell wont it. my priorities have changed and now i need to think about what direction i want to go in career wise. someone was saying to me ‘depression is a sign telling us something needs to change’. i believe thats true – im not sure i want to go backinto an industry that makes me want to get drunk!
hope you are all well adn keeping up the good fight to stay on the straight and narrow. cant believe how far ive come. cant believe how bad i got. keep the faith :-)
angsty all week. if thats a word! i live in a dry house with four other girls now. its a nice house but in a horrible area. one of the other girls is totally OCD. it made me start thinking what am i doing with my life? have i over analysed everything am i really an alcoholic?
thing is. i know i cant drink normally. i know i want to drink everything in sight when i start. whehter that deems me an alcoholic or not who cares..they’re only words. labels. whats really important is that i know i cant drink responsibly. so i guess thats the beast people always talk about. doesnt matter what stage of sobriety you get to i reckon it will always be there scratching.
now i do yoga…exercise… pilates. i had a bad food week this week and i think it was mainly due to boredom and anxiety. i think i eat when i feel emotional. same with alcohol i guess! the act of putting something in my mouth to calm me down. i had a facial today. that was rather special. really nice way to start relaxing. still looking for different ways to relax. will start meditation soon too.
fallen a bit out of love with AA. kinda cant be arsed with it right now. will get back on it though. dont want to get complacent. i can forget what a mess i was at the beginning of all this and how far ive come. i am starting to feel so much better… im gettin gmy energy back but i dont yet feel very relaxed. if you’re trying to do this goal. stay with it. do whatever it takes to get off that merry go round.