July Bootcamp 2012: Making an Olympic effort in the area I need to improve the most

A LOT has happened in the past five days. Family time, embarrassment, regret, love, exhaustion, relaxation, fun, and more love. I fell out of tune with myself (alcohol consumption didn’t help) and for a moment I just wanted to say “forget it all, it’s too hard.” But it’s not too hard… or, at least, it’s worth it to keep working toward being in tune with (and following) my intuition. I made mistakes; I (hopefully) won’t repeat them. I learned a valuable life lesson, even if I would’ve preferred not to learn this way.

This month has been just a tiny part of the journey. I certainly didn’t end on a stellar note – I’m pretty sure I didn’t medal in these Olympics – but I’ll keep on moving forward. There’s always 2016 ;)

I started the day off on a positive note. Actually, I ended yesterday on a positive note – I went for a walk on the treadmill and, after that good workout, I found an outdoor patio just outside of the hotel’s gym. I sat out there for a bit, enjoying the warm breeze and talking to God. I took note of my connection to the world around me. I watched a hawk soar in the night sky. It was just what I needed. I never wanted to leave that moment.

That positivity stuck with me until morning. Sort of. I went to buy my morning latte and I was really annoyed by the cashier. Whatever. I took my latte and my book and headed to the park to do some reading before a full day of training. I read a chapter and then spent some more time in prayer. I realized the stupidity of my attitude at the coffee shop. I thought about going back to apologize, but I knew that the events that had just taken place phased me much more than the cashier (who honestly didn’t seem to care about much at all). I dropped that, but I thought more about my connection to the world around me. I talked to God again. I realized that prayer exists in so many ways, and I made the decision to let this day – my actions and my thoughts – be my prayer. I wanted my actions and my thoughts to reflect love and positivity. I started out the day with this mindset, which made me much more attentive in training and respectful, too (not checking my cell phone every five minutes, not daydreaming, etc.). Slowly, though, as the day went on, I lost focus of my prayer commitment. It wasn’t until just a few minutes ago that it returned. I think in some ways, subconsciously, my actions were still reflecting love – at lunchtime, I engaged in fairly meaningful (work-related) conversation with a colleague and did not allow myself to obsess over my food (nor did I allow myself to overindulge!). I spent some time this evening talking to my dad and R, and I kept my spirits high (without any effort). I’m about do so a short meditation session, have a healthy snack, and then relax my body and mind until I go out with colleagues for a baseball game – time to have some fun and make the most of the time I’ve got left in Cleveland.

And I think I’ll try this living prayer again tomorrow :)

I’ve really stepped it up over the last few days. I think the fact that I’m out of my element helps… I honestly love extended hotel stays :)

I went to mass on Sunday morning. First thing, so I wasn’t tempted to skip. I started the Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge on Sunday night (a few days late, but still early enough to start on “day 1”) and I’ve kept up with it. I’ve read more of Paulo Coehlo’s Aleph and started delving further into his spiritual journey, while thinking about my own journey – where I’ve been and where I may go next.

I think that being on my own for the past few days has also given me the opportunity to pursue the things I want to do… not for anyone else, but for me. It’s helping me rediscover myself and find joy. I’m learning that I know myself better than I think, but that perhaps I don’t always love myself. I’m also finding joy in the little things, like the kind Clevelanders and the birds (sparrows? warblers, maybe?) that hang out among the patrons on 4th Street.

I’m not quite happy, but I’m pretty damn content :)

I had an idea for August bootcamp and I wanted to see what others thought of it. (Sorry for thinking ahead so early – I’m on a work trip and probably won’t be on 43T as much for the next week.)

August Bootcamp 2012: Completing my summer (or winter) bucket list

There’s so much I want to get done before summer’s end, yet it’s passing by so quickly. Hence the inspiration.

Like? Dislike? Other ideas?

It’s very difficult to pay attention to intuition when you’re overtired. Going to bed early. Consider it “self care.”

This morning I was reminded that there’s a great big world out there that exists outside my body, mind, and soul. And yet, I’m connected to that world, too. Thankful for the bright blue sky, soft white clouds, and rich green treetops blowing in the wind.

I woke up early this morning and struggled with my thoughts as a laid in bed. I found thoughts of entitlement creeping in. I shouldn’t have to work out. I deserve a relaxing morning. I deserve an indulgent breakfast.

WAKE UP! YOU’RE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING!

Setting some intentions for the day, as a reminder that this life is a gift and our choices show our appreciation (or lack thereof) for it. And also because I’m falling into a trap of self loathing, which removes me further from knowing myself, being in tune with my intuition, and experiencing any real joy.

• go for a morning walk. challenge myself.
• indulge in a healthy breakfast.
• arrive at work before 9am. do not log into any personal accounts for at least an hour.
• create a work plan, a vacation plan, and a life plan for the next months, weeks, and days (respectively). pray for guidance in creating these plans.
• enjoy lunch. do not indulge to the point of feeling sick or guilty. allow the food to nourish my body.
• make time for prayer and/or meditation after work.

I went to Centering Prayer on Monday. Two sits, neither of them were that great. I just wasn’t able to relax. My thoughts stayed in the forefront; I just couldn’t let them go. Still, every effort counts.

Yesterday morning I decided to journal for a bit while sitting at the bus stop, instead of browsing my phone like I normally do. My journaling was happily interrupted by a phone call from my daddy :)

Yesterday evening was all about joy. I had such a great night with my dad and S. I love our trivia nights… especially when we win ;)

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to where life may take me over the next several years, and whether or not I should “settle down” in Michigan or leave open the possibility of venturing out into the world. It all comes back to the fact that family means more to me than just about anything else in life… it’s not the WHERE that matters so much as the WHO (OK, I’ve known that for a long time, but sometimes I need to realize it again). My family contributes largely to my joy in life. They help define who I am. I hope and pray that I’ll have the opportunity to travel far and wide, and travel often. But I think I’ll always be deeply rooted in Michigan, and I like that. I can point to my hand and show you where I live!

Two more weeks of July. Time always flies. I’d really like to try Centering Prayer outside of the church, as well as trying another form of meditative prayer. I need to get back to reading Discovering Intuition and Sabbath on a regular basis. Next week will be interesting, as I’ll be out of town. But hotel living always seems to simplify things for me, and that’s exactly what I’m seeking right now.

The days pass by like a blur. I can barely remember what happened in the morning when I lay myself down to sleep at night. Yesterday I tried (again) to do my intuition exercise – replaying the day in your head at night and looking for times where you may have had an intuitive thought, regardless of whether or not you followed it. I’ve attempted the exercise a couple of times earlier this week, but I’ve been so exhausted that I immediately fall asleep. I stayed awake a bit longer last night but, like I mentioned, I couldn’t remember how the day started. I got caught up on those details and stalled. I guess I’ve got to be more mindful throughout the day. How to be more mindful? I’m not yet sure.

I originally planned on going to 8:30am mass yesterday, but when I didn’t get to sleep until after 2am, I decided to aim for 5pm instead. Then, as my day progressed, I was feeling tired and sluggish and had half-resigned to not going to church at all. I took a brief afternoon nap on the couch and I guess it was God who woke me up 15 minutes before the start of mass ;) I am SO GLAD I went… the homily was short and sweet and spoke deeply to me. As soon as I got to my car after mass, I pulled out my journal and scribbled furiously, filling a page with notes of inspiration and things to dwell on later.

And to think, I was so close to giving up on Sunday <3

I talked to R yesterday afternoon over the phone. At this point he’d been in the hospital for almost 36 hours. He was starting to get cranky. I had been at work all day and was relying on him to relay information about the hospital world – about testing and results, the doctors’ plans, etc. R didn’t have too many answers and he was tired of getting bombarded with questions every time he spoke to someone. (I later found out that his mom called immediately after our talk and he snapped on her.)

I wanted to be informed about what’s going on, but not at the expense of R’s sanity. So I made the decision that when I went back up to the hospital later that evening, I would not ask questions. I’d allow him to talk if he wanted, but I’d just be there for support. As a result, we were both in good spirits during that visit. We laughed and joked around with each other and the nurses/techs. Finding joy.

I allowed myself to take a break from the hospital to keep dinner-and-a-movie plans with N. THAT was much needed – we got a couple of drinks and snacks before and we both had the opportunity to vent about all life’s crazy drama. We then laughed and laughed some more at the movies (we saw Ted). More joy.

This morning I went back to the hospital for a quick visit before work. I was a little more inquisitive but, once again, tried to curb it. We shared more laughs. Joy.

On my way to the office, I made a stop at the bookstore (it really was work-related, I swear!). I had a “mystery coupon” that would take anywhere for 10-50% off. When I tried to redeem it, however, it wouldn’t scan properly. I exercised patience (dang, it always feels better to be patient that impatient) and, as a result, the manager decided to give me 50% just to keep the line moving :) My $8 book was only $4! Joy!

Nearing my office, I found a questionably large enough parallel parking space. The car behind me – a cab – stopped as I slowly but easily moved my car into the space. There was plenty of space for him to get around me, but the cab just watched. Once I was in the spot, he pulled up next to me. I rolled down my window to ask if I could help him with something – I thought maybe I’d taken his spot or something. His response? “Nice parking job! I didn’t think it was big enough!” That compliment, however small, just made my day. JOY!

(I think the key to finding joy is to stay in the present and focus on the good… not dwelling on uncertainty or negativity. I know this is just a start, but it’s come pretty naturally over the past 18 hours :)