Stop cutting

yesterday, i cut. I went a whole month without cutting, maybe two? And i just succumbed to my device.

it was right before church too.. it was little, but enough. It’s so unbelievable that only four little lines can bring so much relief.

I sat with a group of people after the service, and i found that i was surrounded, but felt so utterly alone. i ended up being in the middle of the huddle… and i felt so naked.

my watch was the only thing covering my fresh scars, and deeply, i just wanted one person to see. you’re thinking selfish and attention seeking? you can say that. All i wanted was a hug. you know, not just arms over arms, but soul and spirit touching.

i miss that.

i wish i wasn’t so broken.

the words ‘stop cutting’ seem impossible.

i don’t think that is going to happen any time soon. how can i give up something that i feel so comfortable with?

ahh! my heart is racing!

it bothers when people tease about cutting.

“now, i’ll go cut my wrist” “yes.. i was cutting myself” ect…

i don’t think enough people are aware of how triggering their banter can be to those of us who really do that. i also believe cutting or any self injury has not been addressed in a concerning matter. ever. unless, of course, it is serious.

it is a joke to most.

i understand, this is the real world, life doesn’t censor itself – but in a professional setting, i believe some form of censoring should be used!

Grr! Tough day.

i have great scars.
scars i can be proud of..
they are nicely spaced,
long
and white.
They will never go away.

and i oddly love them.

..that is, until i get those looks.
you know, the look that says
“i don’t understand.”

You know the look,

their eyes appear sharper than the blade used to create such a scar.

That was today. I felt strange.
perhaps i’m thinking this cutting thing should really stop?

it’s just too damn easy to continue.
what an addiction.