Act as if

was such an odd day. Intriguing, interesting, satisfying, frustrating. Learned some useful stuff at the dealing with difficult behaviors class. Successes and flaky moments (running late to stuff). Running around to meetings on 2 campuses. One baffling, completely bizarre, yucky thing that happened to me that is totally beyond my control, so I’m not even that angry about it, although a bit worried, because it will require careful handling. Good connections and interactions with people, people I like tremendously. Patrons telling me intimate details of their lives at great length. Hoping I remained reasonably professional through all of this.

Am the tired now.

I’m doing this all the time these days. I’m taking lots of risks at work and agreeing to do tasks that feel very scary for me, but I know would be part of my job were I a librarian there. It means embracing the feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing on a regular basis. It means risking failure. It means managing a certain amount of chaos and staying focused. I’ll tell you this – I’m never, ever bored. I detest being bored.

I’ll tell you something else – some things have gotten easier over the past two years. I can get up and talk in front of groups of people without stuttering and turning fifteen shades of red. I can go into a room where I don’t know many people, walk up to folks, and introduce myself. I often do a kick ass job with individual instruction. I’m starting to memorize MeSH terms. I’m lucky enough to work with people who have my back if I falter and to whom I can go for advice and guidance.

I have an internship where I am essentially a TA for a college class. During class this morning, I kept trying to envision myself as the real instructor, leading a class of students through the curriculum and an entire semester. I’m normally not a woowoo person, but I kept thinking, “If I can just see myself doing this, then maybe I can.” I hope it works.

I’m not even sure what professional means, to be honest. How do I envision myself in this role? How would I need to change or act differently? And how do I remain true to myself?

- my actions in the world matter
- collectively, we can change the world
- it is no big surprise that I am likable
- there is enough time in the day to do what I need to do
- sometimes things turn out alright even when it seems they won’t

- calm
- confident
- professional
- smart enough
- a good person
- a librarian (almost)

- statistics
- data collection
- project management

I have a lot of extra reading in my immediate future.

I am
- a confident person
- I am finishing the Web project on time
- the world is a pretty good place

fit as a fiddle

- succeeding
- manifesting change
- professional
- confident
- inherently good
- grounded