remember that it is all temporary

Feeling somewhat better today. Didn’t get much done Friday or yesterday. Went to two Fringe shows yesterday and saw some friends. Hoping to do some cooking for the week today, a little shopping and work on the stupid work project that is making me so anxious. I remind myself that one reliable way to feel less miserable and stressed by this project is simply to get it done. It sounds so obvious and simple, but I’ve apparently never truly grokked this concept. :)

Was stricken with nasty tummy bug on Monday afternoon. Yesterday was an utterly lost day, with the life force sucked out of me. Today I can sit up and drink some tea, so I am hopeful that I can get some work done today in between naps. I have to be better tomorrow so that I can go to my own farewell party at work :) Also, I have to write these dreadful, scary reports that are due on Friday. So much for slacking off during my final week at my place of employment. Oh well. I am grateful that, after 24 hours of feeling completely terrible, I now seem to be on the mend. As illnesses go, that isn’t too bad.

I feel totally overwhelmed by work and school deadlines.

Guess I just have to tackle one thing at a time.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the original song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCqWFD9-oM0&feature=related

Can you tell I am of the original Sesame Street generation? I tell you, I think watching tons of Sesame Street at a tender age permanently altered my psyche.

Ala Grover, I spend too much time and effort trying to go over or under or around. The only way to finish my degree is to go through and get it DONE.

Am realizing that sometimes when I attempt to do things, especially writing, I am just going to be unhappy, there is no way around it. Today, I tried just sitting here being unhappy, but trying to work on my stuff. Eventually, the horrible, unhappy, feeling of imminent peril went away. It took a long time. Maybe now I can get something done.

Note to self: start the next project incredibly early, to allow time for extreme anxiety flare ups and weirdness.

I’m trying to power through writing a paper and presentation. As always, this is making me nuts. Weirdly, the nuts factor seems to be increasing drastically the closer I get to graduation. A couple terms ago, writing papers sucked, but I could do it without the complete and total freakout. I don’t understand why this is getting so much worse. Right now, I’m operating on slim and shaky faith, desperation and caffeine. I want to get this done on time. I want to finish this degree on time in May. Yargh.

I am grateful for a couple of things:
1. My boss let me take a vacation day today. He is a sweet, if curmudgeonly, man.
2. Although this is a vacation day for me, I did go to one meeting this morning. I’ve wrangled my way onto the Diversity Committee for the University Libraries and this was my first meeting, so I didn’t want to miss it. I’m so glad I went. What an inspiring, cool, dedicated bunch of librarians with a whole bunch of awesome, inspiring projects! I will learn so much from them and I’m looking forward to figuring out how I can best participate in the work. So, I’m grateful to be reminded of why I’m facing my nasty, old, creepy demons and completing my degree. It is necessary to do the work, the real work.

Okay, back to work. Cross your fingers for me.

If I’m still alive an kicking on the night of November 17, and I have completed all of my requisite tasks, then you will know that all is well.

Just IMed my dad and found out that, oh, by the way, he was in the hospital overnight last weekend. I guess just atrial fibrillation and they adjusted his meds and he was fine, but WAS ANYONE GOING TO FREAKIN TELL ME?!? If I were in the hospital, I would tell them. Honestly. I feel so cut off.

And then there’s the dog crisis. Oh, and did I mention we have a flat tire?

A reminder that everything can change in a moment, that safety and stability are transitory.

Today, I feel overwhelmed, sad, and numb, like I did on 9/11 or when Senator Paul Wellstone was killed. I also feel oddly, acutely thankful and privileged that my life is such that I don’t live with a sense of immediate peril on a daily basis. I don’t have to worry about having enough to eat or a nice place to live. I can leave the house without a man accompanying me. I don’t worry about soldiers storming my house in the middle of the night. I know that I am generally very lucky and very fortunate.