reclaim equilibrium

I’m off contract until the new year. Not sure what to do with myself. The problem is that I can’t totally ignore work because I have to prep for my class next semester. Also, I would be nice to get some miscellaneous loose ends tied up so that I can start the new term with a shorter to do list. Also, I have tons of stuff to do at home. Truth be told, though, all I want to do is nap with the dog, read, watch videos and make cookies.

We recently excavated our upstairs study from piles and piles of clutter. It is now beautiful and usable again. I feel a bit ridiculous that we haven’t used this space in so long. I’m sitting in my comfy chair, with my two reading lamps, listening to music from the stereo downstairs, preparing for my presentation. I have a cup of magnolia oolong tea. I’m trying to believe that I can do what I need to before Thursday. Life is pretty good.

It seems to be my day (or at least my morning) for loafing and reflecting, so I’ll do a bit more before I make myself walk the dog and get down to some serious work.

It is fall here, quite suddenly. I adore fall, normally, but this year I am acutely aware of the darkness, dampness and cold. For the first time, I’m seriously considering buying a light box.

I still battle the anxiety and depression demons. I’m on a waiting list for a (hopefully) better psychiatrist. I hate being on meds, but I continue to take them because they do help some. I probably need to make another attempt to find a decent psychotherapist.

I’m ridiculously behind and overwhelmed at work. Part of this is due to the aforementioned anxiety & depression, which contribute greatly to brain freeze on a regular basis. I also battle my inner perfectionist a lot. I overcommit and agree to do too many things, usually out of genuine enthusiasm for the task, at least initially. Like so many workplaces, especially libraries, we are very understaffed in several areas. We didn’t receive large budget cuts, thankfully, but the library has been running a bare bones, understaffed operation for so long that there is a backlog of work that needs immediate attention. I also overcommit out of anxiety about tenure. There are still tenure areas I’ve done nothing about, like publishing and community service. I’m struggling to learn to be a better teacher and to accept that I will sometimes screw up. This is difficult for me.

So, I don’t manage stress well. We know this. On the other hand, I am very fortunate in many ways and have enjoyed some success in particular areas of my life. We have a fabulous new dog. I’ve been doing a better job of keeping in touch with friends and developing new friendships. We’ve made significant progress in decluttering the house. The upstairs garret, living room, dining room, and front hall are all decluttered, leaving only the guest room, bedroom and basement to do. Not perfect yet, but the house is looking better than it has in a couple years.

I’m getting plenty of opportunities to do professional presentations. This stresses me out to no end, but it is also encouraging to get things accepted. I’m starting to build good relationships with the faculty in my liaison departments. The problem is that this generates more work for me because now they want me to do stuff for them :) I have the freedom to work on the projects of my choice at work, which is awesome. I have great colleagues and some amazing students. I get to do work that matters. I have a job that pays well with good benefits. I’m making significant headway paying off my debt. These are all good things.

So, what I wish is that I could handle stress better. I wish that I used my time more productively and spent less time freaking out, so that more of my free time could be free, instead of spent working or, much worse, trying and failing to work. When I reflect upon how much my life has changed from how it was a year ago, or two years ago or especially five years ago, I’m amazed at what I’ve done. I finished my BA in 2003, after years of struggling with school off and on. Since then, I’ve gotten the MLIS, worked in an amazing paraprofessional job and now a fantastic librarian job. Unbelievable. My younger self would never have believed it :) Amazing.

Still wrangling with this goal, but things are better. I’m much happier now that I’m back at work, even though I am too busy for words and have ridiculously ambitious goals for this academic year. I still procrastinate, but not as badly as last spring. I do bring work home many evenings, but am trying to spend at least one or two weekend days NOT doing work for work. Sure, I would be farther ahead if I did, but I need my away time, too. So, Monday-Wednesday this week will be killer and very long as a result. I got lots of stuff done at home today AND took a nap, so I’m pretty pleased.

The newest news is that I’m presentation at my state library association conference in October. One more big project to do! They want my slides at the beginning of September! Ack! In a way, an early deadline is good for a procrastinator like me, I’ll just be working really hard in August.

Oh, also, I’m still on the market for a shrink. Went to see this one guy early in the summer and he was just awful. I need to suck it up and try again. Don’t want my meds to run out, that would be bad. I hate hate hate the process of starting with a new person, though.

I’m back at work, as of last Monday. I worked my ass off last week (10 or 12 or 14 hours days), but everything worked out fine. I taught my first session of my info lit class on Wednesday night. I had to cut one lesson and one activity because I ran out of time, but no one fell asleep during the four hours and people participated and seemed engaged. Then, I did the 3 hour nursing instruction session on Thursday night and that went pretty well. Some folks looked really checked out and sleepy initially and resisted the structured way of searching that I teach, but I think once I got them to try it and they saw that their results were so much better, I really won some of them over. A couple of them said, “I searched for hours and hours and didn’t find any of this!” I also got some very good ideas about how to do that session next time (which is on Tuesday, I think). So, after being amazingly stressed out and nervous, I think things worked out pretty well.

I like that I will be on 4 day weeks until the last week of August. I utterly collapsed yesterday and slept for a about 5 hours during the middle of the day, but I fortunately didn’t have any resulting problems sleeping last night.

It is a unbelievably gorgeous day today. We did training class with Duncan 1st thing. He was a star, in my biased opinion. Then we walked with him to a cafe and got breakfast and walked home. By this time, Duncan’s little brain was exhausted, so we left him at home and bought gorgeous veggies and herbs at the farmers’ market. Thus far, and excellent day.

Book group tomorrow is doing King Lear and neither of us have started it. We have read it before, fortunately, and I think we will cheat and watch a video of it tonight. Maybe I can reread some today. I would love to sit around and read, but I also have lillies of the valley to plant that my neighbor gave me. Or I could buy a new Cuisinart, since our ancient one broke and make some pesto. Regardless, I think today will be a good day.

Going to meet new psychiatrist now. Eeep. Nervous.

I’m enjoying a wonderful vacation visiting my folks (my dad and stepmother) in Maine. The most completely enjoyable visit in years. I’m getting to spend lots of good time with them, which is the most important thing.

After trying to follow some of the sleep doctor’s suggestions last night, I slept like CRAP. The weirdest thing is that I feel great today: calmer, more focused, awake, able to concentrate. Go figure.

Oh, wow, I went to see the sleep doctor today and emerged daunted. She wants me to do all kinds of wacky things, like no bright lights (computer, tv, etc.) after 9 pm and she wants me to wear sunglasses to ensure this. Also, no naps. Also, a sleeping pill, for the time being. Also, go to bed and get up at the exact same time every day, even weekends and holidays. Walk at 7 am and walk again at 7 pm. Etc. Also, I have to go in for an overnight sleep study in June. If they find obstructive sleep apnea, I’ll have to wear one of those sleep apnea machines at night, which, between you and me, I DO NOT look forward to. Sorry to whine, I know this is all for the greater good, and I really do want to improve my sleep, but I’m kind of overwhelmed.

I’ve been away from 43T a lot recently, so here’s a brief update. The sweetie is away in China, of course, so that is a bit lonely. I’ve had the usual trouble concentrating at work and so forth, but still got some stuff done. I’ve spent the weekend visiting my librarian friend who lives about 45 minutes away. Another mutual friend is visiting, so we’ve spent two days talking about our lives & families & friends and all things librarianish. My friend that we’re staying with is the best. We are so different in many ways – she is 11 years younger, yet such an old soul – but I like her tremendously. We’ve talked and talked, walked, eaten, gone out for Indian food, and generally been leisurely. I feel fortunate to have so many good friends in my life. I came down for one night and have stayed for two. Eventually, I’ll go home today and try to prepare for the week, make some food, do some laundry, that sort of thing.

My current goal at work is to finish my professional development plan. I find it quite intimidating to plan out my work for the next year, knowing that this will all be part of my tenure file. My tendency is to commit to too much, so my friends have been counseling me to cut stuff out. I’ve made a little progress hanging out here with them. Then, I have the big stats project, a syllabus to revise and a conference presentation to write before May 5.

After May 9, I don’t officially work again until after July 4. I’m going to go visit family for a week, then I have a professional event I’m planning on June 5, and then we are getting a new dog!

Librarian, thanks for checking in on me :)