do my best to make my boyfriend happy

well, we broke up last week. it was fine, mutual. i really hope we stay friends like we intend to. it’s been a very strange, up-and-down week but i’m good. i think i acheived this goal in the sense that we had a good relationship and i’m glad we ended on good terms. still sad though. but it’s all good.

well im either going mad or theres something wrong with our relationship.. im siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick of this, of being irratable and depressed everytime i talk to him and seemingly without reason, although there must be a reason, that much is obvious. i feel like im being a pushover by staying with him, that im being weak. its almost like love has nothing to do with it. maybe im just not made for relationships. or maybe the long distance is finally taking its toll.
ive been here before too. i can almost see what i doing, its like im testing him and testing him, and that is so unfair of me but i dont mean to its just… subconscious? god i dont know. all i know is that .. i miss him? yes i do.. i love him? yes.. and i think he loves me but i think he’s getting sick of me, and i cant blame him cos im sick of me.
can i really lose him now? after everything, and with so much to come? of course its possible. sigh.
this is such a stupid entry. i feel so weak.

i really doubt that im doing this very well. i have no idea why he stays with me when im such a mess. i need to keep this goal in mind becos i dont think im being a very good girlfriend… or maybe im just being human. sigh.

he helps me though. he really does. i need to make it worth his while.

i dont know about this one anymore becos my boyfriend doesnt seem to make me happy anymore. there is something so so wrong and we need to put it right some how. but everytime i try to talk about it with him it changes nothing. i want to make him happy and i want to be happy with him cos i still love him but god, i cant cope with this any longer.. im sick of the monotony and boredom that i associate with our relationship now.. im scared every time i talk to him becos it cld be the point where he realises this too, but at the same time i want to talk to him every second of the day becos then it might be put right. God i dont know.