When I was first diagnosed adhd, they put me on ritalin… and I didn’t stick with it long enough to find out if it worked, but I did find out there was a market for my med, which gave me pocket money for about a year.
I didn’t think about it for a long time until I was nearing the end of college, and I started to see that my insatiable need for knowledge and experiences was really making it hard to move forward in anything. I’ve never understood how people can get bored… what I find more debilitating is having too many options, so I don’t know where to start.
I finally completed my B.A. but as I continue my life journey, I haven’t a clue what to do next. I have a million things I want to do or, that I know I would be good at, but I can’t do them all at once. For now, I am trying to make slow decisions, and continue where I am. I’m not moving to a new city, I’m not spontaneously quitting my job. I’m sticking it out, and praying that some outside source makes the decision for me. I think this is the reason I keep considering the military. That would take aways some of the choices.
But, to satisfy my need for change, I apply for 2-3 jobs a month, often things that are a stretch. I research becoming a paralegal, accountant, physical therapist, nutritionist, graphic designer, industrial engineer, Information systems manager… and the list goes on. All of these would require additional school, or a serious connection. I think making excuses for not succeeding is part of this ailment, too.
I feel confident that I can do anything, but I am not confident that anyone can see that in me. What a contradiction. How does self-cosciousness affect my ability to succeed. it’s not so much self-doubt, but it is easier to blame something outside of myself than to fix whatever minor thing I think is the problem.
Since I am a bit anti-social, I have limited views from outside myself, and have a really hard time weighing where I am.
More than anything, I don’t want my attention deficit to keep me from success, especially since I KNOW I am capable. the older I get the less patience I have for standardized testing, too. I am terrified of taking the GRE, or any other upper level test. In this case, it is the time constraint that stops my brain from functioning (probably the reason I can’t deal with time based computer games… It’s really hard to not keep thinking about how to go faster, and consequently going far slower than if the constraint weren’t there).
I think my impatience for number puzzles, and redundant paragraghs, that makes it hard for me to think clearly. the more the question looks like a list the easier it is. When it is a large block of text, I keep getting lost.
It’s weird being a writer, too, b/c I am longwinded. Yet, I have lost my ability to read. I don’t know how to set aside blocks of time to just read… and if I do just a few minutes here and there, I completely lose interest, pick up a new book and never finish any of them. Magazines helped for a while (The New Yorker is awsome for someone burned out from reading)... but even magazines seem like repetition.
ug. I think I could use some sort of life coach, but I would love to be a life coach too! how is it, that all of the people I think would help me are in careers that I think that I could be successful in.
