be less negative with my baby's dad

it’s getting better, but it’s an on going thing. usually, i feel ok, but sometimes i still get really angry and frustrated with him…

i don’t know why i expect him to change his ways! but, i find if i expect nothing and get nothing, i still get angry!

and i get angry about the things he did or didn’t do (as in do what he said he would do) in the past. i know it’s the past and i should move on, but i feel like i want him to know and understand what his behavior means/meant to me, and probably perhaps change. but i know he won’t-he “won’t” because he doesn’t do things when they’re “expected”...at least that’s what he wrote in his singles ad profile!!! i hope the next girl reads it carefully, because it means: i do what i want, when i want regardless of how it makes you feel, it’s my way or the highway!

anyway, i try not to think about it too much or be responsible for his oafishness. the only good thing to come from this relationship is our baby!

i’ve been back in my apt. for a month—and it’s taken a lot of work to overhaul and sort and organize stuff. i’ve given 6 car loads (incl. SUV and truck) to an assistance league and it felt so good to get rid of the stuff. i filled 1 1/2 dumpsters w/old papers and other things i had been keeping for years and years. i feel like a big weight is out of my life.

i think this has helped me with getting along with the chicklet’s dad and communicating with him. and my anger and resentment toward him. i don’t feel so angry and negative anymore. i always forgive him, but i don’t always let go of things, i guess. i can feel that i’m letting go of these negative emotions and feelings in much the same way as i threw away the junk and gave away the usable stuff.

i’m glad i am starting off the new year better than it ended. i’m sure there will still be a lot of hurdles and a lot of changes and things to work though, but it’ll be a lot easier now that i’m in my own space. i feel good that i don’t have so many negative thoughts about him these days.

i think the answer to this is to get my space back, which means moving out. it’s pretty close, my subletter needs to move first and i think he’s close. i think distance will help me appreciate something about this lame situation. and i have to figure out what my lesson in this is…in the meantime, therapy helps me clear my head and regain perspective and my baby’s smile melts my heart and reminds me that “this too shall pass…” and to find something to enjoy each day.

went to therapy today and i’m really glad i found my therapist, he really is helping me a lot. it’s also nice to have an objective voice for feedback. i like that he is empathetic and yet can ask the right questions to make you think about the issues and challenge you to do something.

in this session, it was reassuring to hear that my feelings are natural and that i cannot change certain things about the relationship. i told him that i realized i was done with hoping and benefit-of-the-doubting when i was in the hospital after the baby was born. her father wasn’t doing much to protect me or respect what i wanted and had a majorly difficult time telling his relatives NOT to arrive the day i was bringing the baby home. i guess i’m still not over the lameness of his inaction…and that i had to stress and get upset before he took me seriously.

today, his little doggie joined us—he’s a cute one and is very well behaved. he usually ends up curling up next to my therapist and taking a nap.

it’s a complicated situation and i know the light is at the end of the tunnel-and once i’m out of the tunnel, i think i’ll be able to debrief and not be so negative. but, right now, i’m waiting to move out (subletter needs to find a place so i can move back to my place) and i don’t like living w/her dad. i just want to be in my own space w/my baby and have my things around me and not try to pretend i’m ‘ok’ w/things. this whole relationship has been one disappointment and frustation after another and i have lost all belief in this guy-i question his motives for everything and, unfortunately, i am always coming up w/a negative answer. like, i see the worst explanation for what’s going on, rather than trying to be positive about it. for my daughter’s sake, i need to change the way i think about this guy!