I have several fears. I fear being attacked or raped. I fear the loss of my son or the baby I’m carrying. But one of the biggest fears that I have (other than the loss of my children, which is my greatest one) is the loss of my husband. Not just because I fear the pain that I would have to endure to cope with his loss and my grief, but I also fear that if I lost him, I’d be alone again forever after.
I pretty much hate myself. Not really HATE myself, but I certainly don’t like myself. I’m a selfish person, but that’s only basically caring about a lot of my needs above anyone else’s. But I have very low self-esteem. I’m not a person to think that I’m all that. To me, I’m nobody.
And one of the things I’m afraid of if I lost my husband is that I’d be alone for the rest of my life because I really and truly don’t see how anyone could ever love me or why they would want to. I pretty much loathe myself.
Hell, though I’m not as insecure about us as I once was, I went through a long period at the beginning of our relationship fearing that he would break up with me and leave me. I can’t stand myself most of the time, so I can’t imagine how he puts up with me, how he could still love me, even now, almost 2 years after we first got together and almost one year since we got married.
Nowadays, it takes a pretty hefty argument or something before that old fear of him leaving me ever comes back to the surface, but I still fear him just suddenly dying on me.
I don’t know how to develop more self-esteem. I don’t know how to make me not hate myself so much. I don’t know how to make me see myself as someone who is a person that can be loved. Hell, I don’t even think that I’m pretty.
