Overcome my OCD

I took 3 doses last night. I missed taking three doses again. Then, I came back last night. Hay. I had a different feeling after taking it. I felt like I was being choked or what. Hay. I have this feeling sometimes. It came back again. :(

I have this compulsion that I am trying to beat right now. It started during the Dec. 19, 2011. It was an on and off issue. Well, it was about me trying to clean something. Hay. It is absolutely OCD in nature but I cannot seem to let go. :( Hay.

So, how will this go? Will I be able to let this go? I am sure I will be able to handle this.

I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. :)

Dear Journal,

I realized i must not rely soley on medications. Day 2 of 60 mg Fluoxetine. :)

It’s my first day to take 3 doses of Fluoxetine. After taking this drug for almost 2 months at elevating doses, I realized that I have somehow improved. Yes, I feel sad sometimes if some thoughts race on my mind, but somehow, I can smile despite them. Is it because my mind is already accustomed? Used to it? Tired? I don’t know.

I realized I must exert more effort with regards to my OCD. Sometimes, no matter how strong I want to be, I still give in to compulsions. Sometimes, I feel so powerless. I have had some issues with regards to contamination (fear of negatively influencing my younger brother due to my bad behavior and thinking that he would go to hell), and doubting my faith. I have already resorted and tried to let go and let God, however, this last resort of mine I doubted. :(

Okay. I am not giving up on this. I will chronicle my battle to recovery.

It’s my 21st day in taking my double dose of Sertraline. Still not feeling any changes, still having a hard time letting go. I am on full force right now- I have three psychiatrists working with me, a confidante and a pries- all paving the way for healing.

i have already celebrated xmas, borthday and new year. this is certainly not the best holidays of my life but i am looking forward to gain what is lost this 2012. I told my friend that 2012 is the year of hope and healing.

i have high hopes this year. i am not giving up or what. :)

i will be taking my triple dose of fluoxetine tomorrow. they say that OCD is treated at much higher doses. I have high hopes. Dear Lord, please save me. :)

Day 33: I just started taking double doses of fluoxetine. Hay, this is one of the saddest Christmas seasons I’ll ever have. I just had an issue with regards to deleting the history of my laptop for fear of influencing my brother to do some dirty stuff. Then, I want to clean it up again.

Ina nutshell, I was not able to ask permission when I borrowed my laptop. Now, I want to repeat the whole process again. My mind tells me I have to do it on a weekend so that it won’t be rushed. I also have to do it on two separate weekend since I told myself there are two “cases” of asking permission: one is by asking him personally that i will borrow it, the second being i will let him finish using the laptop wihtout talking to him.

hay, this is sooooo hard for me. it’s my birthday on the 28th. all i want is peace of mind. i know this is purely OCD but why can’t i stop thinking about it and doing it? my mind is telling me this would be the last time i will do it. so why not try it for the last time?

Day 28. Will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. :) Christmas goes on, life goes, with or without OCD. :) Happiness is a choice. :)

Day 27. I am having issues related to med. HAY. :( I am so tired of fighting OCD. Where can i get strength? I want to be a doctor but OCD is keeping me from being one. We will be having our Christmas break. This has got to be one of the saddest Xmas I will have. :( Hay. Good thing we will be having our Christmas break next week. It’s so hard to keep a normal life while having OCD.

Day 26. Days keep passing by. I am taking it one step at a time. I have been having a tough time here in med school. What if i missed this in a patient? I feel extremely guilty. I want to quit med but I want to be a doctor. I won’t let OCD beat me in the face. :)

Day 25: Med School and OCd is just too stressful. :( But, we are fighting as always. I have been having some bloody stools because of this medication. will tell my psych about this. :)

Day 24. Its my 24th day. :) I think I felt a little bit happier today. :) thank you. :) I almost wanted to quit med last weekend but I told myself I will be helping people with disorders like this when i graduate and become a doctor. the fight continues. the hope remains burning. :)