stop being bipolar

How do you get in? So deep under my skin.
I can’t shake you, though I try,
though I hate you, I’ll just cry,
Until the tears turn into to rage,
and wage internal war for days,
in my wake I will leave pain,
and will have hurt the ones I love again.
I occupy my mind, with ways to over come you.
But when its all said and done I’m still a product of you.
I can’t get away from the misery; caused by raging, screaming bi-polar me.

because friday felt like the end of the world. Monday I’ll be in the doctors office explaining to the dr how I could let myself run out of meds. My answer… my insuranse coverage had lapsed and like the majority of Americans, I can’t afford my meds with out my insurance. And because when I ran out my mind was telling me that maybe it was just a passing phase and I’m better now, in all reality the “passing Phase” has been passing for three years but it doen’s seem to be able to get passed. So I know that I need the meds in order to be calm and positive.
So what is the moral of this story… Its better to be on meds than to pretend like I can handle it on my own.

because I am a raging lunatic some times during the day. I know its because I ran out of meds too. But I feel about two steps away from a padded room, then I’m lauging and its all fine. I hope I am able to get a handle on this disorder before my kids get old enough to think I’m crazy. All the stress from starting college and kicking the habit(ciggarettes) have caused the clouds of a bipolar storm to turn up. I should have made sure my meds were filled and now I have two weeks before the doctor can see me, it kills me they are the ones who told me I’m bipolar, but they need to see again to just make sure? or what?
My luck the dr found another new med he’d like me to try, no thanks, I’ll stick with my last meds, even thugh the dr tells me that if ” you quit taking it, its not working that good”,
the side effects are ofter worse than the disorder. Anyways I gotta keep my head straight, for my kids and myself.

all the time. I haven’t felt this bad for a few weeks but the last few days its been going farther down. I feel like I can’t stand my kids, my man, even myself. I am just miserable. I wish that I could be cured or healed of this ugly disorder, but all I can do is keep changing meds and hope the next will be the “one” for me. I know this is hard for my family, I act so unlovable when it hits. Nothing makes me happy, everything is just too much. And I am a lucky or fortunate person. But for some reason my mind wants me to be unhappy, crying, yelling, confused, angry at everything. It’s like being mentally insane, but everyone saying she looks normal, oh your so pretty you should smile more, you know its not that bad. But all I hear is static and all I want is silence. I wish I could unlock this door and let myself out. I see the sun shining on the other side of the road, but my feet refuse to take me into its warmth.