Cut myself badly

I’ve been feeling very crappy lately. Not just depression wise but also flu wise. Every morning i wake up with…kind of like a sore throat but its up in the nasal part of the respiratory system. I’m not snotty, i don’t have a fever or anything, occasionally i’ll get a headache but very rarely, and it never progresses down to my throat…it just stays where it is. I’m not sure whats going on. My bf got antibiotics for his cough a couple of weeks ago and i was tempted to take one. Only problem is i’m allergic to penicillin and, even though i don’t think clarithromyocin contains penicillin (usually medications containing penicillin end in ‘illin’ such as in amoxycillin) i’m still not going to risk it. I’m sure it’ll pass on its own, it isn’t too bad today, it might even be the cold weather.

Other than that i’ve been feeling really blue again. So bad i just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, yet at the same time i’m extremely bored and i do want to do something i just can’t figure out what. Its really frustrating and i know it drives my bf crazy too. Even today i feel really depressed. I’ve gone back to uni and i’m enjoying my classes but i feel a little pressured with Anatomy so i’ll start dedicating everything i learn to memory straight away so i don’t have to worry about it when i come to do tests. I’m mostly concerned that i’ll forget an assessment.

We have a lot more to do this semester, assessment wise, and i’m worried i’ll forget something. I’ve written down my assessments in ‘my tasks’ section on my uni page but i’m still worried. I believe next week i have to hand in a graphing exercise (which i can do easily) and a practical assessment which is done every fortnight. I’m sure i can do them but i’m worried…worried, worried, worried.

I need to remember to not pressure myself too much, especially now that my depression is getting worse. Anyway, i wish there was some way i could relieve myself. I used to hurt myself but i promised i wouldn’t do that. I haven’t felt hungry at all lately and can hardly eat anything, i always feel tired and just want to sleep all day…i have to force myself to get up. I get bored far too easily but i can’t think of anything i want to do. I just want to sit and watch and do nothing. Just sit and be miserable and do nothing. So pathetic.

My poor bf. Last night we went out with some of my bf’s friends. It was fairly good, i meant to drink but i didn’t even get tipsy. Too depressed, didn’t feel in the mood. Ended up coming home at 10:00pm, but we watched some Alan Partridge and that helped. Anyway, some guy tried pulling the moves on me, he just didn’t take a hint. He kept pushing a chair into me and saying disgusting things like ‘hey sexy’ and filth like that. My bf and his friend had left just a minute before to go get more drinks so he’d seen me with them…plus i was sitting with all the others in the group. I was NOT in the mood for that rubbish, especially because i am SO NOT SINGLE!!! I’m NOT the kind of person you flirt with, which i made little hesitation to point out to this dickhead and that i was not in the mood and basically FUCK OFF!! He gave me a strange look like i was crazy and left without saying anything else.

Well hello, i ignored you for the first half of your pathetic wooing. Usually that means i’m not interested but he just didn’t take a hint. I’m sure he got the message afterwards though. I hate slimeballs like him. My bf was not impressed and was pumped for action!! Lol, i love him!!! =) ^ _ ^ I felt much better when he came back…i’m no sissy but i still didn’t feel entirely safe until he came back. People like that make me sick!!! He didn’t know who i was and just started calling me shit like ‘sexy’ and ‘your hot’. I DON’T appreciate that. It is basically saying ‘i have no interest in you, i just want a quick fuck then i’ll be off’. Anyone who approaches a girl with THAT attitude is the scum of the earth.

My poor bf hasn’t been able to sleep well lately. Can’t disclose why here because its his personal details, not mine to write about. But its worrying me. He’s been awake for the past two nights and hasn’t slept through a night entirely for four days at least. He’s up all night on the computer and then comes to bed when the sun is up. I don’t know what to make of this but i hope whats going on resolves itself soon.

I would really love to do this. I’ve been feeling an urge to hurt myself in some way. I haven’t done it for a while but i still get the urge to do it. I enjoy feeling the quick, sharp pain and then the blood. Depending on how deep you go of course depends on how much blood there is. I prefer to do it sort of in between deep and in between shallow. That way not a huge amount of damage is done – maybe a little scarring but boo hoo. Then it will bleed a lot on its own. When it goes to stop though i just start hitting it so that it reopens and keeps going.

I feel it is a necessary part of my existence somehow. That i should feel some kind of pain one way or another, especially but not always, when i am sad. Although even on good days i feel like doing this sometimes. Trouble is i don’t actually have anything to hurt myself with. It shouldn’t be hard to find something but it does present with a small problem at first.

There are many ways i used to hurt myself in the past besides doing this. It was to ensure that no permanent pattern developed. If anyone saw any cuts i would tell them some lie about them (cat did it, lame but it did work), meanwhile i would be hurting myself some other way so that i wasn’t covered in cuts and they couldn’t suspect me of anything other than teasing the cat.

Freezing during winter was a good one – hard to do admittedly, i’m not one who likes to be cold. I used to do it until my skin started turning blue. However, this is kind of a hard one to do as i’m not living in SA anymore.
Cutting, obviously, mostly on the legs, around the ankles, upper arms, sometimes (although a little bold) on the wrists, on the stomach…
Starving for a period of time. Partly because i felt fat and partly because i wanted to hurt myself. Works very effectively on me and doesn’t require that much willpower on my behalf to do it.
Binge drinking, how cliche but i don’t care, if i got smashed enough i soon wouldn’t give a shit about anything anymore. In fact, when i get extremely angry i am definitely looking for a bottle of spirits to calm the nerves down. Usually works in a positive way but sometimes i just go nuts.
Strangling with something, usually my dressing gown cord, it is uncomfortable to start off with but you soon get used to it. Of course i don’t do it with the intention of killing myself (if that’s what happened i don’t think i would have cared much) because i didn’t want to die that way. It was just a punishment method.

And there were probably other ways but i can’t think of them just at this moment in time. Overall, i do have strong willpower and i spend a lot of time trying to convince myself i SHOULDN’T do this sort of thing but sometimes that doesn’t always win through. Sometimes the urge is just too strong, sometimes i just far to damn angry or sad, other times i just feel like i should punish myself or should do it just to feel alive again.

I haven’t done it in ages because i don’t want to hurt anyone and i also promised my bf that i wouldn’t do it. And i intend to keep that promise as much as i can. I’ve let slip a couple of times but nothing really bad, only minor injuries and i never hid the fact i did it from him. I was open.