like myself and act like it

I have this awesome summer job. Its me and this other girl doing busy work until we get to go wander around the woods measuring trees. I have been noticing that as she is more vocal our boss probably notices her more and I don’t like this. I don’t necessarily mind it I guess, but I feel like I would benefit from just speaking up. The job is with the forest service, which I am really interested in as a possible future career path so this connection could be really beneficial to me.

My goal for the summer is to act more interested in this thing that I actually am interested in and ask my boss more about it to get possible ideas of ways to further my work in this area in possible new ways I would not have otherwise known about.

I like hiking. I like napping. I like thinking about things. I’m so fucking boring.

How do people have things to talk about? I am not very good at talking about myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m interviewing someone when I ask them too much about themselves, even though I am usually actually interested in the answers to my questions.

What do you talk about? Each other? The news? Things you’re mutually interested in? (Where are all the people who just loove maps and soils?!) I never know what to say.

I don’t know what this has to do with liking myself per se, but I think it has something to do with confidence in meeting new people and how I don’t have that. And how I get caught up on dumb things like what to say to someone.

Ten things I like about myself:

I am independent. I went to India – by myself when I was 20 years old. I go places by myself, I like to figure things out by myself, I don’t mind spending a weekend alone and I pick up the pieces to the messes I make. Most of the time..
I am opinionated. I have a good sense of right and wrong and I apply that to situations I come across. I truly believe the things I argue about (unless it’s just for good natured disagreement) and I make sure I am educated on the things I believe.
I am sincere. I am almost brutally honest. I tell people the truth and I tell people what I think. I don’t ever say things I don’t mean, because I don’t see the point. I don’t fake things, if I’m doing them it’s because I truly believe it.
I am determined. When I want something I want it. And I will get there. I don’t mind taking multiple steps to find something that fits. I try to understand where I want to be and make the changes to get there. The right thing is worth the extra work.
I have a good smile. I look people in the eye and smile with my whole face. Not always, but usually if I’m smiling at you its because I want to, so my expression is sincere and I think people can tell.
I am a good friend. Although I am still able feel the pangs of the mistakes I have made in my relationships I have developed several very good relationships with people. Relationships based on openness and understanding and difference and support of difference. I call them “mutually beneficial” in my head because they are.
I feel a lot. I love movies that make me cry – and most of them do. I love to get excited about nothing. I recognize emotions as not only fleeting but moments that define and make up life. So I try to embrace them – even the bad ones.
I am respectful. My parents taught me to always say please and thank you, and I do. I don’t try to deceive people or see what I can get away with. I think of an agreement as something to uphold. I don’t think my benefit is worth more than another persons.
I question norms. If I don’t understand or agree with the way something is done I try to figure out why that is how it is. I rarely do things just because. (Although I’m sure I’d be surprised to realize how many things I do do just because..) I am not following a set path. It usually takes a while for me to be able to support something as fact and I try to look at things from multiple angles.
I like to do things. Although I feel like I may not do enough things, I like and want to do them. I will almost always go to the store with you if I feel like I’m invited, I want to go out and I want to come over and visit my friends. If you have an idea, no matter how irrational, I will most likely participate.

I was reading someone’s entry on here last night and the person was talking about how their coworker was someone they look up to because he seemed to have his life together and he seemed like he liked himself. It made me think about myself and the way I go about interacting with people, I guess. Because, while I don’t by any means dislike myself and, really, most of the time I think I’m pretty okay and doing cool things I rarely act that way. And, how if I acted like everything I was doing was really cool the people I interact with would probably think it was way cooler too. Just the way you present information shapes the way people think about it, I guess.

I usually try to downplay things I do that I know are cool because I don’t want to seem braggy, and when I think about it, really, I try to downplay everything else I do, too because I never think it will interest other people. I don’t like to talk about myself very much. And I wonder if this stems from low self esteem to some extent, or if I just get bored of other people talking about themselves so I don’t do it. I think there is a balance here, and I don’t think it’s just things I do I think it’s just being proud of myself and where I have been and where I am going. Feeling valid and sincere and open and strong.

So, I’m going to make a list. Of ten things I really like about myself. Because I know that I do like myself (maybe sometimes even too much..) but I think it’s good to think about why I like myself – just make myself aware of the positive things about me.