learn how to connect to people

My good friend was in town this weekend. We hung out a few times and tonight was her last night so a bunch of her friends from the area got together and we all hung out. Some of them I knew and some of them I didn’t. I should have put myself out there more and pursued potential new friends. Although, saying this now makes me feel like it would have been weird and creepyish of me to do so. Although, I should have at least rekindled my old friendships with the couple people I did know.

I don’t know.. I enjoyed being around different people. I want to do it more.

One of my best friends from college is in town. We have sort of lost touch since I moved and now she’s moved and our lives just took different paths. She is visiting my town and staying with her friend who I have met a few times and like.

I am for some reason hesitant to hang out with her. I talked to her on the phone a month or so ago and it depressed me. She is busy and in grad school and so proactive and upward moving. I’m.. not. I think I am letting this fact get in the way of maintaining my relationships with people. I think I am choosing the life I have (and should be happy about it) but why do I feel shameful to talk about it?

I know I would feel terrible about being in grad school and regret getting a job I wouldn’t want to leave (aka a “real job”) at this point in my life. I’ve gone on amazing trips and done awesome shit and it makes perfect sense to me to be doing what I’m currently doing – being stable and creating a root system (but not so stable I feel doors shutting). I’m currently living the life I will have the least regrets about.

So why do I hate telling people I work in retail? And why do I think this girl I have been such good friends with will judge me for it?

I have come to the realization that to be interesting you have to have things you’re interested in. Duh. But, so, where I’m having the issue (time and again) is in crossing the barrier to get what’s going on inside my head out of it so I can relate to people.

So, I read this really interesting book about heteronormativity and I loved it, but.. I’m not likely going to bring that up in conversation. I went to the World Forestry Museum and enjoyed that, but.. who else cares? I’ve been sewing a lot and I really like it, but.. you get the picture.

I know the logical solution to this: meet people with the same interests. This presents me with the added challenge of having opinions about the things I’m interested in. And, I do I just always get scared I’ll be less informed than everyone else and they’ll all totally disagree with me making me feel terrible and shameful and probably destroy all interest I had in the subject to begin with. (That’s probably a little extreme.)

So, learn about the things I like, understand them and form opinions about them, be confident in these opinions and in my knowledge of the topic, surround myself with people who have similar interests, learn from them and make new friends.

That sounds so easy, right?

I tend to have intense relationships. Just about all of my friends I would consider to be “one of my best friends”. I kind of like this, but at the same time it seems like most of my “best friends” have extra peripheral friends that they hang out with. I do not have a lot of these, for a few reasons. I often feel like developing new relationships take a lot of work. With my long-term friends calling every other week or hanging out when its convenient (even if thats four times a year) keeps our relationship going and myself feeling fulfilled. You can’t develop a new relationship like this. I also don’t think I’m very good at light conversation unless we have known common interests. This makes it hard for me to feel comfortable and relate with new people. I am currently wondering if these so-called reasons might really be excuses to not make new friends and step out of my comfort zone socially.

I think I need to learn new ways to develop relationships with people. I do get lonely. And I get bored with people. I really think it would benefit me to be able to create these lighter types of relationships with different people.

but I’ve been thinking about it lately.

I have always considered myself very independent. I do many things alone and always tell myself I like that. I do like that. However, I recently realized I am this independent so I don’t ever have to need, want or even like anyone. And, thinking about it I rarely do any of those things. I don’t have to open myself up so I can never have to face the potential for rejection that is really an inevitable part of life.

I recently fell for this guy and I liked and wanted him. And in this time my happiness somewhat depended on my relationship with him. I let him influence my moods and emotions, both good and bad.

I don’t know how this fits into building relationships with people, but I think you need some vulnerability in order to have a relationship with someone. It just seems so weird to me to let someone else have control over your emotions like this, but I’m starting to realize its a necessary part of building relationships and connecting to people. I, of course, need to get better at this..

It’s one of those weird things where it just happens without a conscious effort.

At work I’ve been feeling more comfortable with people, chatting with them and joking more. I like this.

I also went out with this guy last week and I liked talking to him. It made me think that I have probably been under-stimulating myself. I need to find people I have things in common with so we have things to talk about so there is less pressure to think of things to say. There are interesting people out there and people I might even like. This, oddly, is news to me.

I just got off the phone with my friend who is just so good at this. He tells me about all these girls he meets and all these wonderful things they do and I just don’t understand it. I don’t know where he meets them and how he develops any kind of relationship with them. I know part of it has to do with asking. For their number, and if they want to go out and what not, but he just makes it seem so easy. I don’t feel like I’m even presented with the opportunity to ask as many people for their number in a year as he does in a month. I guess I need to go out more.

This kind of thing makes me feel like this goal is so unattainable. I mean, I am obviously missing some key piece of it entirely. I don’t even know where to begin.

I think thats how you do it.

I’ve heard I’m unfriendly. Quite possibly unwelcoming to strangers. I’ve been thought to be somewhat abrasive. Maybe apathetic? Is it just selfish?

How do you say to someone “Let’s be friends”?

How do you get past being polite to people you just meet? I’m not that polite.