find myself, know myself and then be myself

I’m not who I thought I was.

Shock.

It’s like going to the bank to check your bankbalance and finding that you have far less funds than you thought…

will tell you about how they discovered strengths they never knew they had in a crisis. Like the saying goes, ‘circumstances don’t make the man, they merely reveal the man’.

I’ve always been strong, brave and optimistic. I don’t believe in showing weakness. As a rule, bad things don’t really happen to me. Things have always worked out and I’ve always known that they would. But for me, in this current crisis, instead of finding strength I never knew I possessed I’m finding out how fragile I really am. I am learning to love when it COSTS and I’m learning to love myself and be more forgiving of my screwups. Like yesterday when I bumped that guy’s car right in front of all the moms at my son’s school gates. Previously I would have just about died with shame and beaten myself up about it until my stomach was a pit of acid. But instead, I dealt with it gracefully, drove my daughter to school 20 minutes away, had a little cry in private on the way home and carried on. The only hard time I gave myself was that I would never normally do such a stupid thing. I don’t make mistakes like that. I don’t fail. But as I said, I’m discovering that I’m fragile and flawed and I’m living with it… learning to love inspite of the imperfections. M has taught me alot about that kind of love.

29 May 2006 – 2 weeks ago

I’m 34 and I don’t know who I am. Death and grief; relocating to the other side of the world; marriage; motherhood; divorce and being far away from my friends and family who love me and support me has changed me beyond recognition. Who am I really when I’m alone, when the lights are out & I’m lying in bed at night in a quiet house alone with my thoughts… what are my dreams… what will it take for me to have peace in my life?

I don’t know the answers.

Yet.