get over him

Not really my ‘thing’, group therapy. Sitting around in a circle moaning, vilifying men. And then I went 3 weeks ago, and it’s blown my mind.

Its a small group. Every woman there is from a different background. Every single one of them is intelligent, witty, caring. I always thought women who were in abusive relationships were somehow stupid or weak. Not so! Interestingly enough, abusers all seem to come from a single mould. They near enough all say the same things, do the same things… I just thought M was unique. Not so!

Examples:
An abuser is sexually aggressive; treats you like a servant; expects sex on demand; controls the money; says you’re a bad mother; uses access to the children as a way to harrass you; threatens to take the children away; keeps you pregnant but doesn’t help you take care of the children; denies any abuse, minimizes or normalizes it; blames drink, stress, you, unemployment; stops you from working or seeing your friends; tells you what to wear; keeps you in the house; is charming as anything to your family/friends so they won’t believe you when you tell about him; puts you down; tells you you’re fat, ugly, annoying etc; threatens to hurt or kill you; says he loves you; cries; threatens to report you to the authorities; threatens to kill himself. These are just some examples from my situation.

All the above is done so gradually that you hardly notice that bit by bit he’s manipulating you and getting you to hand over all your power. The organizers of the group say that abuse follows exactly the same pattern as torture tactics (eg. isolation, reward, punishment etc). Its all so sad.

Every woman there could identify with the examples and add plenty more, yet every single one said how much they loved their partners and struggled not to go back. I’m in the same situation. I’m sad. Very sad. Life is better without him around but he won’t let me go. He must phone me about 20 times a day or more & I don’t even know how many text messages he sends. The pressure makes me feel like a dam wall bowing, ready to burst.

What’s next?

Anyone who’s been through an abusive relationship like this knows how impossible it is to extricate yourself from their control.

14th December. His dad was present for his birth and the first 2 weeks of his life, but it all turned nasty – couldn’t take his abuse anymore and he left New Year’s Eve. Ironic, because that’s when we started, so in a way we came the full circle.

Its so hard. Words fail me when I try to explain just how hard it is to be exhausted, awake all day, all night with no respite. Four children with four children’s needs. I’m so exhausted that in a way I’m too tired to be heartbroken. I’m too tired to miss him or even feel resentful that he’s let me down AGAIN.

I did well for 2 months, not contacting him. But he makes sure that he stays on my mind. Hangs around the car park, bumps into me ‘coincidentally’ as I come out of church etc etc. Messages through people. And since 4 days ago he’s been phoning me, crying and being sad and begging forgiveness. Slowly he’s sucking me back into that turmoil, that hurt. It’s just occurred to me that I’ve only been feeling this exhausted since I’ve been taking his calls. Emotionally drained. I don’t have the heart to hang up, to let the phone ring unanswered. I’m not the kind of person that can be at odds with anyone. While he left me alone I was coping well enough. We were starting to laugh and play again. I was even having a good day here & there. Now I’m back to crying, shouting at the poor children and sitting in my room depressed. Am I never going to escape and live a free life.

The picture is of Joshua 2 months old and Christian aged 2. His beautiful children. Christian has been so ill since he left. He stopped eating, is literally skin and bone. He misses his dad.

I’m overwhelmed by this situation. It’s an unbearable weight on my shoulders.

I’ve defended him and his behaviour to everyone because I love him even though I can’t live with him. I’ve hoped that he will choose to change for the sake of the family life that he says he wants. But His behaviour has become increasingly threatening and bizarre. I’ve tried to give him unlimited access to his son, but he uses this to get to me. How can you hurt a little 2 year old that worships the ground you walk on? He’s acting crazy and mean and it scares me. I’m so heartbroken. I’ve spent the past week crying without stopping. I’ve been grieving for everything we could have been. I’m grieving for the love we’ve both lost out of our lives. I’m crying because I don’t want to have to move on and leave him behind and because I don’t ever want to be with anybody else. I want the happy ever after I was promised, and I want it with him. He doesn’t feel the same obviously.

I’ve got less than 10 weeks til this baby is born and right now I can offer him nothing but chaos and heartache. How will I sort it out so that we can have an amicable arrangement and just get on with our lives with some modicum of peace and dignity?

crying, begging to be taken back. Saying i’m keeping him away from his family. Just as predicted. But he’s a tortured soul.

I feel so heartless by saying that I have no more second chances to give (3 years is enough, right?) He says only I can help him change, but the truth is of course that only he can help himself. I’ve stood by him for 3 years and tried to support him – til he took me for granted and despised me. I feel rotten though. I really can’t help him. God knows I’ve tried til I’ve destroyed myself but only God can wipe the slate clean. If anyone reads this, please won’t you say a prayer for M – he needs that forgiveness and peace that only comes from laying your burden at Jesus’ feet.

posted this entry and it was asif it were written for me. We all know this stuff instinctively, yet we will persist in going round in circles and hurting ourselves. Seeing it in print like this has made me realize more than ever that I have to start being sensible. I have to start taking better care of myself. So here’s the list. Feel free to quote from it as I don’t think she’ll mind as she says, “share it”.

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
3. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
4. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
5. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
6. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
7. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
8. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
9. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
10. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
11. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
12. You cannot change a man’s behaviour. Change comes from within.
13. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.
14. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
15. Never let a man define who you are.
16. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
17. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
18. All men are NOT dogs.
19. You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is two way street.
20. You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage…
21. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
22. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
23. Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
24. Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
25. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
26. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...
You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware.

this goal from get married to get over him because, well, we’re not gonna get married are we. I don’t even think we’re going to be friends. I can’t be around him and I certainly wouldn’t be able to see him with anybody else because what we shared was unique to us. I know I’ve never loved anyone like that and I don’t think he ever has. I’m more miserable that I can bear, but I will bear it nevertheless. I will survive.

We said very unkind things to each other in our last conversation. I know that in time I must apologise, but I can’t just yet. I’m so angry with him. I never wanted this to happen and I DON’T WANT TO move on. I wanted to be with him forever damnit. How dare he just change like that and then not even care about the carnage he’s caused in our lives (mine and the children’s). We trusted him and he betrayed us.

“Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are.”
- Bernado Houssay, Nobel Laureate in Medicine

Right now I’m so full of fury at the pain he’s caused us. I’m mad as hell that one day he was begging me to marry him because ‘I’m the only person he’s ever loved’ and he ‘didn’t want to live without me’ and he was talking about our future together, and literally the next day he didn’t want to see me or even talk to me to explain his about-turn! This is the person I have loved, trusted and been good and faithful to for 3 years. I’ve been cast aside through no fault of my own, other than my inability to spot his cruelty and fickleness in time. I blame myself and I hate myself every time I look into my children’s eyes and see the sadness there. We’ve been abandoned and no child should have to be hurt like that.

Sometimes you need to just accept that someone isn’t ready to hear what you have to say and you have to let go of your dreams and ideals and walk away. You have to stop saying “if only I did this” or “we should try that” and accept that we are the imperfect beings that we are. You can’t force someone not to hurt you or themselves. You can’t make someone love you as much as you love them. So…

I was wrong. He’s not ready to live with my beautiful family and be loved and love in return. He’s not ready for the responsibility and honour of shaping children’s lives (and mine). Hanging out with his mates and playing snooker and poker are all that he’s interested in. We’re cumbersome to him. We somehow make him feel imprisoned (his perception, not reality). He’s lazy and wants to pick us up and put us down when he’s finished playing. When we are hurt, he feels irritated by it and wants to be left alone. When he walked out on us yet again I warned him that I wouldn’t be taking him back. He gave me a contemptuous look and left. He told me once “you’ll take it”. Guess he was wrong.

Letting him go, leaving him to make the mistake he’ll regret forever, is the most loving thing I can do for him now. And that’s how I find myself 6 months pregnant and abandoned with three children aged 6, 4 and 2.

I’m re-opening this goal. We belong together and whatever imperfect beings our pasts have shaped us into, I’m willing to grow and adapt and so is he. I don’t have things all worked out, but I’ve seen a way to move forward in this relationship and want to give it a try. He has given me alot of reasons to stay and I know he’s committed to us. So… like they say, where there’s a will there’s a way.

on the playground, he torments me with cruel words, pushing all the right buttons to cause maximum distress. Then when he’s broken me he wants cuddles and assurances from me that I’ll never leave him. “Always love me baby” and “Do you still love me, will you still marry me” follows and it sickens me. He says he doesn’t want to live his life without me and it always sets off warning bells inside me. He has such a grip on me that I feel like a little bird being squashed in a cruel child’s fist.

As if that’s not bad enough, I grieve for the relationship we once had. It was perfect. A beautiful lie.