Be happy without being in love.

Okay. How sad and pathetic I’ve become. While waiting in line to vote, I bump into an old acquaintance. This acquaintance and I had a friendship but, I never saw it going anywhere romantically. Well, after not seeing him for over a year, I meet up with him and he proudly and gleefully, I might add, announces “and this is my wife!” I was completely blindsided (I recovered quickly though) said hello and shook her hand. Then Art felt compelled to have a few awkward words with me asking how I was—blah blah.

I am genuinely happy for him. He is a nice guy and it is great to see a nice guy finish first but, I just couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. Afterall at this great age I did not expect to be single AND living at home. Yes, very very pathetic. Understandable in this economy and common here in Hawaii, but pathetic nonetheless.

Totally unrelated but, now that Art is married I bet Jesse has moved to California. It seems as if nothing is impossible except maybe me being happy without being in love.

This is hard. The beginning of a relationship is wonderful; the breathless excitement, the anticipation, the feeling of floating on air, the giddiness. How did it evolve from that to the fighting, pleading, and crying?

Sometimes I am okay. I feel like it was just another painful lesson that I had to learn because I obviously didn’t learn it from the last relationship. And, sometimes I just feel all alone. I know that eventually this soon shall pass but…. the sooner the better.

Just to be sure that I was using the appropriate word I looked up the definition and it fits: “a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date”.

The fat lady hasn’t sung yet but, the train has already left. Well, James left Hawaii and with that action the relationship ended. He closed the chapter on Hawaii and moved on and I wish I could be as uncaring and thoughtless as him. I was even willing to visit him in FL to continue our relationship or at least to see where it would lead to but…I ended up cancelling my reservations.

And, it is hard to start dating again (I hate that word, what am I a teenager??) when my heart still loves James and hopes for “happily ever after”. I wish I could just forget about him and stop waiting for a phone call or an email that I know I will never get. I know I don’t want to get back on that rollercoaster ride again, but I keep thinking of the good times (even when there were so many more bad times) and then I get so sad. It is so depressing and pathetic to be holding on.

It is waiting for the other shoe to drop that is killing me. Right now the what? (I loathe to use the term “boyfriend” when we haven’t been getting along for quite sometime now) is on the continental US visiting family. But, this family vacation also became an opportunity to look for a job. In the meantime, I am suppose to keep the home fires burning? Clean the apartment just in time so that it will be easier for him to move out? Move with him even though I may be without a job or prospects and deplete my savings because I am suppose to still pay for 1/2 of everything? No, f#@% way! Apparently my track record for picking cads is still perfect.

I feel like I am getting a lot closer to accomplishing this goal. (ABOUT TIME) So, I exchanged a few emails with a guy that I met at a mutual friend’s party. Big step for me. But, the big light bulb moment was the realization that I don’t want to be in a relationship. (At least, NOT at this particular time.)

I don’t think it was the fact that he is almost 20 years older than me. I was just so incredibly stressed out at the mere thought of the whole “getting to know you” crap. The telling your whole life story over again. I had such reservations about it that I was starting to have anxiety attacks!! Pretty pathetic.

So, I was honest. We will see if there will be a second chapter to this or whether it will be the end. Either way, I feel tremendously relieved saying that I wasn’t ready.

While the beginnings of a new romance is great, the trepidation, excitement, lust..it is kind of nice being alone too. Now that the holidays are over I feel okay again about my singledom. I even went to a New Year’s party by myself and ended up having three guys sit down with me at my table! Very flattering!

It is just too scary thinking about dating again. I guess I just got so royally burned that I’m too scared to even try. Although the thought of dating puts me into a cold sweat, I guess I have to risk it! Eek! What a thought!

I watch WAY too much television. When you start comparing your life to what is on the boob tube you know you are in trouble. Take me for instance: This weekend may be a bit challenging because it would have marked six years for me and my ex. Of course, it wasn’t 6 blissful years together A LOT of them were just painful but, I loved him and, to a big degree, I still do.

Getting back to tv, I am hoping it will take 67 days for me to get over him. That is how long it took one of the characters in “How I Met Your Mother” and that relationship was 9 years. So, looking at it like that I am allowed only 28 more days of feeling sorry for myself. Thats not too bad. Maybe it is okay to be a couch potato every once in awhile.

I haven’t been very successful at this goal, but then again I really haven’t put much effort into it either. I think that when you are looking for love you are more likely to attract the exact OPPOSITE of what you really want or need. Believe me, I am writing this from personal experience.

While being in love can be wonderful, the heartache and the deception can be devastating. It is time for me to focus on myself, my health for instance.

Happiness seems to be a very popular subject. Two new books were written on the subject, but I can’t recall the titles. If only it were that easy. Like a prescription, take this pill, read this book and bam! you’re now pronounced happy!

I found this site and I thought it would be nice to hear from other people. I think we are all too caught up in our heads and it is refreshing to hear someone else’s point of view.

Right now I am very cynical about happiness and love. I feel like a human boomerang and/or a mat walked on with cleats. I’ve lost count of how many times I have humiliated myself trying to reignite something that was never there in the first place. I have even thought that if I meet someone else than I will get over him, but then find myself comparing every guy I’ve emailed or dated to him. Not that he was a paragon of virtue, but it was good at one time. It had to be, otherwise, I wouldn’t sound so pathetic.