Beat my depression

I seem to have more than my fair share of health scares. Had to do another follow up mammogram because there were some questions/problems/concerns. Well, it seems to be okay but, I need another follow up in 6 months. I am so tired of this.

I guess what is so f#@king depressing is that I know that I am not living up to my potential. Whatever the f#@k that is. I just feel like I am stagnating here. [Dying a slow and very painful death. (Aren’t I dramatic?) ]

The sad thing is, I am loathed to admit, is that I may feel like this wherever I may be. I am just so damn bored with life.

Lately, I have been feeling really really bad. I hardly drink but, lately I just want to numb the pain. It is so damn hard when I feel like a ticking bomb about to explode and I am just barely keeping it together.

I know that one of the side effects of my meds was a “lack of concern”. Too bad that isn’t the case. I think that I would be able to accept things and jump through the hoops more easily or, at least fake it better if I had an utter lack of concern. I guess I am just angry. Isn’t that what depression is; anger without enthusiasm?

I wasn’t very successful in being “happy” for my friend when she gave me the good news that her boyfriend got the job he wanted and they were moving at the end of the month. An answer to her prayers to make a fresh start by leaving a job she hates. It is just hard to fake happiness when I am so unhappy myself. It seems as if everyone is either moving onwards or upwards or something while I am stagnating. I told her about my plans for moving too but, it seemed so hollow somehow. I am losing hope that anything will ever change. I seem to be losing my nerve. It is not that I am happy in this life; it has just gotten easy knowing the predictable rather than the unknown. When did I become so boring??

Not doing too well today. The initial “feel good” has worn off on the new meds and now I just feel kind of blah, fatigued, and depressed again. It feels like one of those days that would have been better spent in bed. I am not even going to my “group” this evening. I know, I probably should, but I just can’t get myself to do it.

I cloistered myself at home yesterday so, I felt safe. But, today, I went to work and all the noise and distractions on my way to work made me feel somehow out of my element. Separate and alone. I kept focused, somehow, so I didn’t bump into the car in front of me (in fact, there was so much space at least 2 or 3 cars could have been between me and the little blue Miata). Still angry at the world but, primarily myself. Tired of everything. I would just love to crawl back into bed.

I am doing a poor job on this goal. This entry actually fits into more than one category.

After all the shit / mind games I have endured in my past relationship I decided not to try again (at least for the time being). I am just trying to be a friend to myself at this point and that isn’t working out too well either. I just seem to be so angry at everything and everyone lately (truthfully, it has been for quite some time now).

The hectic pace has slowed down considerably at work and I find myself being VERY bored. I like being busy so that I don’t have the opportunity to think. Thinking gets me all the time. I start analyzing everything and I have been doing WAY too much of that lately.

I am not sure if it is depression or just an overwhelming feeling of blah-ness. After the initial excitement of the new job wore off, I suddenly felt crestfallen / bored. I am beginning to wonder if I am the type of person who is never happy in the place that I am in. If that is true that is incredibly sad and depressing.

I am sure a lot of it has to do with the holidays. Although I am more at peace being single, at this time of year everywhere you look all you see is couples and families. It really makes you feel alone.

They say depression is actually anger turned inwards. This is so true. I can’t begin to describe how angry I am at my siblings, especially my older sister. I am also incredibly sad because we used to be so close. After she got married, everything changed. I expected that but, I did not expect the complete self-absorption and utter disregard for other people, most notably her own family’s.

My sister’s upcoming visit is becoming such an unpleasant mess all because my mother asked her to rent a car. Because of that request, my sister is now making it difficult for my mother to see her own grandchildren when they visit. This is just so unbelievably immature and stupid. And, of course, I am in the middle of all this. I know, like everyone else, I am guilty of being rude to the one’s I’m closest to when I am upset but, this is ridiculous.