live my life on my own terms, not trying to live up to the expectations of others

I am still trying to find out what my terms are. Most of the time I feel like a puppet having my strings pulled and yanked by many hands.

I finished Nurse’s Aide training. Big whoop. It became obvious that the instructor was going to pass everyone anyway. I am still not sure whether I can be a N.A. for long either. The work is so unpleasant. Why did I choose to go in it in the first place you may ask? Wanting to help people and job security seemed liked a good enough reason at the onset.

While the visit to Honolulu was basically for my mother to see my sister’s children, it ended up being an awakening of sorts for me. I managed to mend things with my sister and she also gave me her approval to move on with my life as well. While so many people have asked me, “What about your mother?” or “Who is going to take care of your mother?” no one seemed to care whether or not I was happy. And, in the meantime, I was making EVERYONE miserable because I felt it was my responsibility / obligation to take care of her and I resented it immensely. Now that I have my chance. Where do I even begin?

I would love to be a part of a family where there is love, respect, compassion, and support. But, the reality of it is that I am constantly criticized, blamed and guilt-ridden. I have been taking care of my mother for over a decade and my sister berates me for being selfish and acting as if the world revolves around me. I have spent over $12K on items for my mother and her household while I could have used that money towards my own place! Now, tell me how does that make ME selfish? Why do I keep trying? Why do I keep looking for their approval when it will never be forthcoming? Why can’t I live my own life without feeling guilty about it?

I can’t make everyone happy. As much as I try, I keep on failing. As long as I keep allowing them, my family will never be happy and they will keep wanting more and more. Their greed can never be satisfied.

I went to a friend’s college graduation and then I took a bus to the Pacific Northwest. It was great being on my own again. I wish I didn’t feel compelled to leave home in order to be happy. But, it is funny how I am always leaving only to return here. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

I never would want to leave home if my family wasn’t so dysfunctional. With all the criticism and backstabbing I have in my own family who needs enemies? I cite finances and too much crap to lug around as my reasons for returning, but actually, I would really like to get on a better footing with my family. Wish me luck. This could be the hardest thing I have ever done.