stop being afraid

To me this goal is similar to controlling my own happiness. Right now I am just trying to be patient and believe. I have to believe that things will get better.

With illnesses, death, heartbreak, disappointment, and loss I have found myself praying more and trying to believe that there is a reason, a bigger plan that I am not aware of, for all of this to happen. I have found myself becoming more spiritual, if not religious, and philosophical about things. Not that I am immune to falling into my periods of “depths of despair and momentary lapses of hysteria” but I am trying to be more positive. No easy feat.

James said that I was making up excuses not to go to Florida. I think that is true as well as false. It is true that I am afraid. I am afraid to take chances. Yes, I haven’t driven on major freeways and yes, I wouldn’t know anyone or have anyone to turn to if I needed help and that is why I am afraid.

But, when I am 86 I don’t want to have regrets. I am scared shitless and yet I have to take the leap and not be afraid of falling flat on my face.

I have to stop hoping for a future with James and be okay with that. I have to stop being afraid of being alone and then maybe I can grow. I have to embrace change. How the hell do I do these things anyway?

I was so looking forward to traveling to Europe for nearly four months with my best friend. But, unfortunately, he backed out. Supposedly, the trip has been postponed but, I really know it won’t happen.

It was easy getting caught up in the excitement. He had so many ideas and plans and I, being clueless, was willing to let him make all the arrangements. I didn’t have any preferences I was just happy to be going along.

And, I think that is how it has been my entire life. I have always done (more or less) what I’m told. I am the good daughter, friend, etc. And, that is why it is so damn scary to be venturing out on my own.

Being in an unhappy situation, uncomfortable as it may be, is comforting in a way because of its predictability. You know what each day will bring and there is hardly any surprises. It may sound absolutely horrid but, that is how I have lived most of my life. So, to try to do something entirely independent of anyone else is just absolutely frightening (rather than exhilirating) to me.