Doug, you gave me so many reasons to be angry at you. When you died I felt mostly a sense of relief your suffering was over, but not a great sense of loss. Of course the purely physical aspect of leaving this earth is a “loss” but I know deep down, my anger won out. Maybe it was self-preservation? Maybe selfishness? All I could do when you died was flash through my mind every slight I ever felt from you, and dwell in the sense of abandoment of a younger brother who never truly felt like he had an older one.
When you drowned that early morning last summer you must have felt great relief from the suffering and the chemo and the pain and the overwhelming fear of losing your mind, life and family.
Doug I can no longer bear the burden of this pain, I love you and forgive you and I give you my blessing in your journey through the beyond. They found you face down in the water, and now I visualize you floating off down the great river. I offer you my wishes for a great journey, my hopes you will find more than you found in this life, my regrets we were never brothers like we should have been, and my love. Please take this love, it is all I can give you now at this late crossroads. Pleaee take my love.
