Be myself

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis.”
Tyler Durden is so right. Take all that away, and what’s left? Me.
You want to find yourself… get away from the things that define you. I’m having an amazing time in France, and I feel closer to this goal than I have in 6 months.

I first really came upon this “identity crisis” after me and one of my closest friends had a disagreement and stopped talking. I spent the past six months being angry with her, and regretting the friendship we had. But now I realize that I was lying to myself and that I was grateful for our friendship, and I accepted the fact that half of it was my fault. So I emailed her and told her this, and apologized. Even though she’s still angry and says I don’t deserve her forgiveness until I prove myself worthy, I’m okay with that. I just told her that I forgave her, and myself, and if she couldn’t think of any reason to forgive me, then it’s probably best that she doesn’t. I mean it’s not great but I just feel so much better being honest with myself, and even with telling her how I felt. It felt so good that I have to be on the right track. If she’s not ready to move on, that’s okay. Stubborn as she is, her time will come. :)

I always felt that being yourself, or being a good person, or just trying to be somebody in general was a “big picture” kind of thing. Like somehow it will just kind of happen over time, and in say 3 years from now I’ll be this amazing person that I want to be.
But last night I had this thought… it’s not a big picture thing, rather, it’s a very little detail thing. In fact, I think making yourself a better person is a very easy thing indeed.
All you have to do is focus on the little decisions you are making as you make them. Decide which choice is the one you truly believe is the right one, the one you will be proudest to look back on and say you chose, the one the kind of person you want to be would make. Make the right decision right now, and those decisions are what shape you into who you are.
in theory.. :S
haha

is caring what others think about me.
Sometimes I feel like the only reason I’ve made most of the decisions I have is because of how others will see me as a result. And I don’t want to live my life that way, because in the end that’s not what will make ME happy.

I think a person can discover the most about themselves by how they react to their environment. Every person is going to react differently to each person and situation, and it is what we take out of it that makes us who we are.
Tonight I had dinner with my friend Gwen, who I haven’t seen in months. She enjoyed helping me talk through my identity issues. In her view, the first step to discovering who you are is finding the thing you are passionate about and pursuing it. That way you will discover what you value and believe, and from there you can figure out who you are. I still want to think on this some more and try it out, but I definitely think she’s on to something.
Before, I felt like anything I did that was not completely original could not be me being me, it was simply me being whoever did it first. Now I’ve realized that who we are is molded by the people and events around us. Just because we have been influenced by another person to act a certain way, doesn’t mean that those actions do not reflect who we are.
My friend Caroline goes out of her way to avoid things that everyone else does. If she thinks everyone is doing it, she won’t do it because she doesn’t want to be influenced by them. Well isn’t that in itself being influenced by them? One thing I would hate to do is define myself simply by what others are not. I say if you want to, go for it, and who cares what others are doing.

How do we know who we are? I think when we really discover ourselves we will know it, but until then, how do we know how to get there? Lately with all of the changes that have been going on in my life, I’ve been finding the search really difficult. Maybe it’s the way we react to these changes in our lives that shows us.
If anyone has any thoughts, please share.

It just seems like most people walk around portraying the idea of who they want to be, acting the way they think they should act so other people will like them. I don’t want to be afraid to say what’s on my mind. We can walk the walk and talk the talk, but without ourselves are we really happy?