Get my groove back

i think getting my groove back is a goal at odds with beating cancer, or maybe i’m just seeing it in the wrong light? i think i am. but i’m trying to figure it out now.

to get my groove back. ever since the cancer diagnosis, i’ve fallen way down the grooveless path. but today, my article on Burcu’s Angels was published: http://thetyee.ca/Life/2007/08/07/UrbanAngel/

So there’s some encouragement. Plus, it’s raining. No better weather for getting the groove back (hard to get the groove back in the sun, for me anyway).

i’m in singapore right now, so i’m thinking that perhaps it took the upset of my routine and a continental leap to get me out of my rut. i surely haven’t been accomplishing all that i would have liked to lately, but i’m okay with that. and perhaps that’s what getting the groove back is all about.

For me, it means to not feel like my life is full of “should’s” but “would like to’s” and enjoying what’s done in life. I do enjoy editing, writing, book design and the whole bit—and I certainly enjoy the sense of accomplishment when the book is printed, is launched, is praised, is loved, and is bought. But how do I get to the point of recognition or acknowledgement that I’m not doing tasks but engaging in interesting, creative and productive exercises? I don’t want to have lists where I cross off things. I want to say, “Yes, I’m so happy that I’m now doing this food book! Let’s enjoy this!” How do I get into that groove?

the semester is over—i survived. handed in whatever was due. now i just have two more small things to accomplish before i tackle the bigger projects: editing/designing/producing the food and family memories anthology; editing/designing/producing the mixed race anthology; and finish a good first draft (which actually means probably a third or fourth draft) of my first memoir. this will be my entire summer. words, words, words…

these next few weeks are sheer madness. i’ve got all my final stuff to do for my first year in the mfa program. i also just finished teaching a writing workshop to 24 people and am now working on editing their stories to publish a book. and i’m organizing events for another book, which is related to another forthcoming book. and lots of travel: nyc, la, singapore and hong kong. but being busy is good, as long as it doesn’t become overwhelming. i’m hiding out at a friend’s house this week to try to get a bunch of stuff done.

my parents living with us for a few months: suppose to make my life easier. instead, all i do is dig myself into a big bitter hole and become the pissed-off teenager i used to be. this sucks. i wallow. i’m static. a privilege to have them here, but—i want them gone.

i could psychoanalyze myself-believe me, i’m quite good at it-but it’s simple really. my mother has taken over; my domain is threatened. okay, so a month of them has flown by already, and really, i only have to deal with it for another six-ish weeks before i go to asia and leave my precious offspring behind with them (in agony-my agony), so i should really make the most of it. but—and i shouldn’t be making vows or promises but i’m going to anyway-never again will they come here to live with us for more than a couple weeks. waaaaay too stressful.

all this to say, my schedule has gone to shit, and i’ve fallen way behind.

i had a whole week off from school, during which i had great plans to accomplish lots. of course, i did very little. but it’s not that my time was spent doing nothing—in fact, i was quite busy with the kids. but i guess if i am not on a schedule as usual or have deadlines, i accomplish less. no pressure. anyway, my week was pissed away, and now i have a mountain of stuff to do again and my classes resume in less than 12 hours. oh well.

The hard part: knowing what to do with oneself when one is no longer overwhelmed.

I plowed my way through the mountain of tasks I needed to accomplish for my various editing and workshopping projects, and now they are on a nice steady path.

My problem is now keeping on my own writing schedule, so that I can continue to produce material for my MFA workshops. The idea of a writing schedule is still very abstract to me, and it’s easier for me to pay attention to other things in life than to keep at my writing.

How do I do the writing? I know at the tips and strategies, but I have to put it into practice.

My goal for this week is to accomplish ten pages of writing for fiction, ten for nonfiction, and a poem everyday.

...where i did all i can do, accomplished everything that doesn’t have to do with my own writing—all those things i bitched about, that they kept me from writing. and so now i have no excuse but to write. actually, i take that back. there are two things i could do before i write. i’m a book review editor for an academic journal, and i need to get caught up on that. and something else related to that. but once i do that, no excuses! i need to now set up regular writing schedules to get my groove back!