change my life

In my first post under this goal I let it be known that I was ready for some new people in my life, a circle or circles of friends in this place where I now find myself. Three months on I realise that poco a poco a few acquaintances are becoming friends.

Thank you!

I am tired. I am tired of feeling that I am not quite coping. I am tired of holding on. I am tired of trying to put a positive spin on things. I am tired of trying to convince myself that maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be the day when the cloud lifts and life begins to look brighter. I am tired of telling myself to stop whinging, because in the scheme of things I have NOTHING to moan about. I am tired of telling myself to get a grip. I am tired of telling myself to get over myself. I am tired of putting on a happy face and pretending that my life is great, or a least okay. I am tired of looking for the rainbow. I am tired of crying in the dark. I am tired. I am tired of doing all the things I do to fill my time in the hope that the activity will displace the despair. I am tired of trying to ‘get in touch’ with myself. I am tired of trying to do the right thing. I am tired of holding it all together. I am tired of trying to convince myself that there is more to life than ‘this.’ I am so tired. I am tired of hoping that by cultivating a positive and grateful attitude I will begin to feel better about life and myself. I am tired of getting up in the mornings and going through the motions of each day. I am tired of pretending to care. I am tired of wanting more, wanting something else and telling myself to be patient. I am tired of trying to accept that life is unfolding as it should be and that everything is working for my highest good, even when it is uncomfortable in the moment. I am tired of wishing I had a different outlook. I am tired of trying to cultivate a different outlook. I am so tired, in fact the only time I don’t feel tired these days is when I am asleep!

you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ Christopher Robin to Pooh (A A Milne)

How do you change your life? Road to Damascus experiences are few are far between I suspect, and despite the obvious appeal, most us may never have one. I can change my clothes, my socks, my earrings and my hair. I can change the postion of my desk, my diet, my curtains, my light bulbs, my mind. But that fundamental change in my life that I am after, getting to that place where I have something different, better, more than what I have now, how do I get there?

First, I should define ‘there’ and then map out a plan. That’s the theory. That’s what a self help book would tell me, or even a friend blessed with new age sensibilities and common sense. But what you can’t factor into the plan is the inevitable agony and struggle that goes along with internal change. The slipping and sliding that happens when you trudge uphill, the bruised elbows, egos and knees. If breaking old mental habits and toxic thought processes were easy, a whole industry would go bust, two, no, at least three – pyschotherapy, self-help books and gurus, and at least one segment of the pharmaceuticals game. If it were easy to shake off fear and insecurity or at least not let them get in the way of living and dancing, every day would be Mardi Gras and I would be Queen of the Carnival.

It struck me today that had I moved to a new place three years ago instead of back home, I would have made far more of an effort to meet people and make new friends. Almost all my friends from childhood have moved away and I have pretty much had to start anew, but have really not made much of an effort. My best friend here, whom I used to speak with several times a week and do things with from time to time, has had a baby and moved on to a new life. Part of my excuse for my holding pattern is the disintegration of my marriage and what I saw as betrayal by a long-standing friend. Both of which sent me into a low-grade depression, but are behind me now, well not quite in the case of the former, but decisions have been taken and things are moving forward, so am looking to the future with anticipation. So what I need now is a “life.” I work from home, so there is no office to go to, no colleagues, no after-work drink up or movie lyme. My life is work, the odd outing with a friend (yes, I have one or two) too much time on the Internet (and not even with virtual friends or in chat rooms – not my thing) and exercise classes.

So now I am sending it out into the ethers, letting the Universe know that I am ready for a circle (or even circles) of friends …