love my scar

i’m starting to feel comfortable with my stretch marks on my bum. sometimes i find myself thinking they’re cute (ha!)

maybe the scar isn’t that far behind.

a couple of months ago when i saw my scar for the first time in a long time under very unflattering lighting and thought, “Ugg.”

also my hair has grown long now and have been wearing it down for the usual purpose of covering my back

last week, I did wear my hair up in a bun infront of a semi-new group of people. a small victory.

I think I did it. Not love it but I don’t care anymore. I’ve been filtering people out of life like a mad woman and am now indifferent if people don’t like me. It actually saves me the trouble of liking them too.

I’ve been wearing mid-backed and low-backed shirts lately. I even bought 2 lovely dresses that were mid back (though I still can’t wait till my hair grows back long enough to cover it).

My reasoning is if you don’t want me because of a stupid scar, I don’t want you either. See? A filter. Since I’ve been apathetic, I’m getting more and more comments. Mainly, “So uh, what’s wrong with your back?” from friends. So I know people notice and strangers do too; they’re just not too comfortable with asking.

My self-esteem has taken a serious blow since my still recent break up and doing this isn’t helping but I think I need this despite how painful it is to my bruised self-esteem.

Been wearing tank tops and tube tops that expose the top part (ugliest part) of my scar off and on while i’m in Houston visiting my parents. Thing is, I only wear them when I know I’d only be seeing those I know fairly well or people I won’t ever see again..

On the several tame dates that I’ve been on, I consciously wore high back shirts.

So still not quite there yet.

i have a long long scar on my back. starts right below my neck and goes straight down to the small of my back. besides being a little flat chested, i think it’s the only thing i have a hard time accepting when it comes to loving my body. i’ve always swam with a tshirt over my bathing suit. this weekend was the first time since my surgery (12 y/o – am now almost 22) I’ve went without a tshirt in my bikini. i also have cut my long hair and have bared the top part of my scar off and on throughout the summer due to low backed tops.

whew. it’s hard.
but I’m doing it anyway.