For several years I have almost dreaded the party that would be throwed. Now it seems it will be very quiet.
My dad died March 18 – actually he stopped breathing a few minutes before midnight on March 17 – St. Patricks Day. We have named March 18th, St. Calvin’s Day. I spent three weeks at home holding his hand most of the time before.
I am in a tender place. I was worried I wouldn’t have the energy for the birthday hoopla – or would spend the night sobbing at every kind thing someone did or said. I am in better shape than that now – but I didn’t know a month or so ago – so I asked the friends, no party.
Besides the blubbery-er-ness, I really want to turn old by myself this time. I want to savor it like a good glass of wine – with my favorite reading glasses, a good book and my dog at my feet. I have become something of a marshmallow in my dotage and I rightly don’t care.
I laugh. A few months ago I signed up for Myspace so I could leave and get messages from my nieces and nephews. I got three love letters from guys the last time I checked. One doctor, one achitech, and a general contractor – but I think he was trying to drum up some carpentry work. (I always hire my carpenters from social networking sites.) So this marshmallow still does something for someone – abeit prompting near anonymous love letters from unknown souls on Myspace. :-)
This birthday and year are going to be fun. I am not expecting too much of my self these days. I have turned off the hyperthrust afterburners. I am paying attention more. I am savoring life.
If there is anything good I learned from my dad’s last days it was, time is too short. I need to pay attention and enjoy life as it comes. Savor it.
Ok thanks for listening. Happy birthday me. woo. hoo.
b.
