Stop Drinking Alcohol

There is a moment where the pain subsides and freedom is granted, where eacha nd every breath no longer pains and one can sit for a while in peace and laugh at the very though of oneself… I am there right now. I have just ended the bad spell which has come time and again through out this quest to deal with sobriety and place the drink down. You see there is something that gripps you more than the last bourbon and it is the fear that you are not enought this world is ot enough everything will never be enough and as the hole grows you die slowly. I never drank because it was fun… i never drank because i was an out of control partier… i partied out of control because i was scared that when the music stop that is where i would begin, this flimsy excuse for a human being so loud that you couldn’t hear her internal scream so scared that her shallow breath could only be heard in empty rooms and lonely halls. I never wanted to meet her… and i have been every day… and that fear of what i have found full and bare in the mirror has made me cry… but it lessens every day booze is foresaken for another option and all i want is that day at a time to be one day more

I am feeling the world on my shoulder my faith in my stomach and reprive to far away to touch… I am doubting the fibre f what i am made out of aswell as doubting if God will save me and this makes me scared. How can one so full of faith doubt the only thing she has consistantly believed in… I need a higher power to wade with me through these waters to pick me up when the wave crash continually over my head i nee to know that there will be rest and this constant insanity of “drink don;t drink drink don’t drink” will subside i need to know that in a weeks time i won;t be drunk and in a days time i will definately be sobre…This is my prayer that i can accept the things i cannot change change the things i can and have the wisdom to know the difference… and that i stay sobre at a day at a time…God i addmitt that this is bigger than me i admitt right now i am weak… please let me not drink…

This is scarey the amonnt time changes nothing…. 3 months afteer my last entry i went and got smashed yeah so drunk i could harld walk and so angry icould hardly speak and i began to do the same thing for the next nine months nine months of pure pain nine months of sorrow and nine onths that felt like 100 years because the crap wouldn’t stop. i look at these entries and i realise that i have had to begin all over again… it seems you recovery go back to the same play but you drinking becomes more savage…
I joined AA… i am three months sobre and the days that are wonderful are grand and the days that are bad are like i am poking my head through to the devils lair…
Let this be on my list forever i don’t want to drink
I don’t want to drink I don’t want to drink

5 months came and went with out me coming hear and writing about how elated i am but i still am and i hope i still will be in two weeks when it is 6 months

Sometime i have to come back here to rememind me of how far i have come. 4 months not drinking my thinking has exploded my moods are still fucked but my sorrys are said less and less my control regained slutty tendency dispersed and urge to end it all ended.
4 months there is a way to go but i have come away from that ditch i used to call home

It has been 3 months
I can’t say they have been easy… i realised how much i used it as a source of dealing with the crap in my life … pitty that crap has now come to the surface to make me ill.
There is a shake that happens in your body it makes you hallow and you breath heavy and there is a moment or five stringed together that make you weak and ever reaching for whichever cupboard or drawer that contains the goods. I just had to change the goods…

I had to come back and write one more entry…. i quit drinking 2 months ago and i didn’t think i would be able to get through new year drink free as well as have fun but i had such a kick arse night The new Years was a good one the best one i have had in a while and though i did crack the shits which is some what of a tradition i did get over it and i went home at a decent hour okay it was 4 am but i think i pulled up okay the next day … okay i sleep all day but i am not embrassed by my actions and i could defend any of them it put to trail and the only liquid that touch my lips was water and red bull

I am still here, still going, still treading water hoping not to drown. Going out hasn’t lost all it’s spark but i am now on the move to fill my life with more more talent more raw determination more of the attitude that i can get things done now without being held back . I miss being able to blame it on an outside factor now it is just me holding me back. but in the fear that i will become morose or even worse self indulgent i will stop and varify that there is nothing that i miss about the process any more not the anitics not the idioticness not even the random pashes. I change and in renegade fashion i will be different from my peers party just as hard laugh just as much and dance like a freak every chance i get and have no fermination on my breath.It is time to say i have done! it worth it? yes, scared to take it off the list? fuck yes but to a two bottles of wine a day drinker to nothing, a month and a half feels like a year
i will keep you posted on my Harry Potter like quest!!!!

I have not written for a while …
But it is a month …a MONTH since having a drink. I miss it some times i would be a liar if i said not and at most i am am realistic about the whole state of affairs i understand it is not the drink that i am missing just all the fun stuff the satying out till all hours the bad girl persona the party animal tag the hang over talk the places my brain went on hot days drinking red wine before mid day… I am no long edgy but clean living no longer allowed to foolishly fall whinge and moan and sometimes it sucks knowing enoughs enough not having enough guts to lean in for the kiss having too much sense to lean in for 10 but i get less depressed and more proud to be me. I don’t look down so much at the floor when people eye contact me and i hardly ever vomit anymore life shifts and i change and i am not going back but it is like my cubby house i am starting to out grow it but i want to go back to the time that i could play an pretend

3 weeks on sunday i am not scared about this weekend as much as last but it is still friday and that is when i seem to write about this i wouldn’t say that i am i am over it but i have lost the taste the one that drives you that little bit harder than the rest i still hyperventilate when i see the wine asile but that will pass slowly but surely. it friday make it throgh this week and it is a downhill slide to a month. I feel better abut being me reflections don’t come with as much of a sucker punch