get over my mom's death

This week was 2 years. I thought it would get easier by now, but I still have really bad days when I miss her so much that it feels like the world is just crushing me. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have so much going on in my life right now and my mom was the one that I could always call when I was stressed out. She could make everything better, just by hearing her voice. And I will never get to hear her voice again. I don’t know how to make it better.

Next week it will be a year since Mom passed away. I can’t believe it’s been that long. It seems like just yesterday. Tasha’s sweet sixteen party is in a few weeks and Nikki’s graduation is only a few months away. She should be there for those things. She was the one that was there when all my kids were born. It’s not right that she doesn’t get to see them grow up and celebrate their achievements! Everything just feels so empty without her.

Today is her birthday. I’m not doing as bad as I thought I would. But maybe that’s because I totally broke down 2 days ago. I think now I’m just wore out and numb. I still miss her like crazy though. I just want to hear her voice one more time and tell her how much I love her.

Her birthday is coming up. That one is gonna be tough. It’s two weeks away and I’m already feeling down. My birthday was tough. It was the first time in my entire life that my mom didn’t call to tell me Happy Birthday. Now I won’t get to call her. I just miss her so much.

It was tough. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but still very hard. We were all alone this year. No family, no friends and it was also the first Christmas without my ex. So all around it wasn’t a great holiday for me. But I think they will get easier. I just miss Mom so much. I know if she were here, she would make everything else easier to bear.

A few months back, my dad brought my mom’s cedar chest to me. It was full of stuff she’s collected over the years. We opened it while he was here, but didn’t really go through it at all. Just grabbed a few things I knew were in there and pulled them out. I haven’t opened it since. That is, until last night.
I thought I was ready. Now I wonder if I will ever be ready. I spent the better part of two hours in my bedroom by myself, crying. I still can’t make myself pack up the things she left at my house when she stayed with me, or change the room she stayed in. Looking through her things is so hard. It’s a reminder of who she really was, and how special she was. It’s the things she saved and the things that were important to her; every single one of my report cards, awards, drawings, etc. I never thought it would be this hard to deal with losing her.

The holidays have been tough. I usually go home for Thanksgiving. I didn’t this year. I couldn’t do it. It is the first Thanksgiving without her here and it just felt wrong. I know Christmas will be tough too. And right after that is her birthday. I know eventually this will get easier. I just wish it didn’t take so long. March will be a year since she died and it still seems like it just happened.

It’s so hard some days. It’s the little things like coming across a letter or card she sent to me or finding an old picture of her. Yesterday it was the hospital ID card from the day I was born. She had sent it to me right before she died. There’s so much going on in my life right now that she should be here for, good and bad. She’s always been my rock, and I just feel so alone sometimes. I know that I will never have anyone in my life like her again.

and I still have a lot of days when I just break down and start crying. I never in a million years would’ve guessed how hard this would be. I just miss her so much.