stay in love

I might give up on this goal. Should you have to try to stay in love? I’m not so sure nowadays. I’ve rolled with enough of the punches of this relationship, so now I think I might prefer just to… See how it goes, or something. I’ve come to the conclusion finally, that much as I love this person, if it ends, it’ll be for the right reasons, I will have done my very best, and most importantly of all: I will be okay.

Well I have come home for Christmas, and left him in London until he (hopefully) visits at the end of the month so we have New Year together. I’ve never fought so hard for a relationship before. But then similarly, I’ve never felt like this before. I wish it wasn’t so hard sometimes, but then I suppose you have to remember that without the down times, the ups would either not exist or not feel so special.

It’s actually pretty scary how well he knows me now. Hmm.

The last month or so have been the toughest yet. I’m realising that we’ve both changed, and though we still love each other, staying together in an adult relationship is hard sometimes.

What hurts is that he lied to me for the first time recently and I’ve been finding it very difficult to forgive him, and have found myself preoccupied with whether doing so demeans me. How many times can you forgive someone before you end up degrading yourself? I don’t know. But i’m still working at it. I’m either an optimist or a fool.

If anyone has any thoughts I’d be interested to hear them?

...So with one of my girl friends and one of his guy friends, we’re getting our own place! I’m so excited – I just want everything to work out and to have some stability in my life.

He’s coming to see me this week! I’m so excited. We’ve been apart from about 6 agonising weeks and I am DEFINITELY ready for that to be over. In time for our 18 month anniversary, too =)

...Or if it does, if then gets hard again. We’re doing pretty well considering we’re not seeing each other at the moment due to being back in our home towns and each penniless. I miss him so much. Being away from him and not having his reassurance as much allows those bad thoughts more room to get me down… I’ve been finding myself feeling insecure again and even paranoid… I don’t even know what about half the time!

So I’m trying to keep my head in check and talk to him as often as possible, but I just hate this long-distance rubbish. Urhh.

Being single would be so much easier, but the thought of not being with him is horrible.

Since we first got together officially after a couple of weeks ‘seeing’ each other, and I am still in love with him, despite him hurting me twice. We’re like an old pair of slippers sometimes, but there’s still passion there too.

I don’t know what life would be like without him now, and I don’t really wanna find out! I’m only 21 and I don’t know if he’s ‘The One’, but y’know what, I don’t need to yet. I’m enjoying what we have right now, and for the first time in my life, I’m in a relationship that has a healthy dialogue, reciprocity and plenty of humour. I think that’s all you pretty much need.

Best wishes, everyone.