Thought I could use this as a journal for my dreams and progress…
I recently started doing some group therapy and the focus is “emotion regulation.” The idea is to better understand what emotions are, and not to be so afraid of my emotions. Theres more to it than that, but its a start…
This Wednesday was the first session. I made a verbal and written commitment to work on myself closely and to stop obsessing, being afraid of what does not exisit, and getting lost in a head full of anxious thoughts. I am committed to taking better care of myself emotionally and to allow myself to feel what I am feeling when I am feeling it. In the past few years I have only been able to express fear and anger. Everything else has been hovering under the surface and I feel it in moments, but it feels too big to handle, so I push it away. But it only gets bigger. I have not cried in forever. A good sob is hovering in there. All of this turmoil, I believe, contributes to my nightmares.
The next day I find this website and make the commitment to stop having nightmares.
That night I dream this: I”m swimming off a dock in clear blue water. I stay close to the edge for fear of what lies beneath the surface. I look down to see what I think at first is a giant fish. My heart begins to thump and at closer look I see it is actually a hammerhead shark. I swim quickly towards the dock and the shore, certain I am about to be attacked and devoured. The shark also swims to the shore, but does not go after me – he crawls up the beach and collapses. Slowly I realize he is just a dog – a wet, hurt, panting black lab in need of some help. I descend on him, my heart breaking, and pick up his broken, wet paw – “it needs help!” I exclaim, and I call for it. It is injured and cold and half drowned, but alive.
I tell my husband the next day and he becomes wide eyed with fascination. He loves vivid dreams and believes they are a glimpse into the psyche. He encourages me with questions to look at the deeper meaning of the dream, and I come up with this: The shark is me – my emotions, hovering beneath the surface. I am afraid of being devoured, of pain, of the uncertaintly posed by the creature lurking beneath me. But its not a shark – at closer examination what lurks beneath is just a sweet injured puppy dog, hurt and crying out for help. I go to help it, and know it will be okay. Really, there is nothing to be afraid of.
I have to remember that I am injured. That I need to nurture (which is what I have begun doing now) and not be afraid of my inner myself. The dream was so vivid and clear, it really spoke to me.
My promise now is to look clser into each vivid dream and extract some meaning. The dream really, is a hopeful one. And right now I feel that way about my emotional future. Hopeful.
