be more confident

I walk as if I own the joint. So that’s confidence, right? Sad I didn’t know I was doing that. =/

in that there are areas of my life where I know I got it going on. But when I look at certain aspects of myself, I tend to compare and put one down to save the other, thus never achieving true confidence/acceptance of myself.

The other day I was at the gym taking a cycling class. I was in the middle row, and this guy was cycling in the row in front of me. He kept looking back, and at one point I was so confused that I decided to look behind me to see what was so important that it could break his concentration. It was me. I mean, unless he’s gay and fell off my gay-dar (there were only guys behind me), it was me.

Now, this should have boosted my confidence, no? Told me to “go for it,” right? Or at least flattered me and make me blush. But I couldn’t, and I didn’t, and I wasn’t. Rather than being present in the moment and appreciating the fact that someone else was appreciating me in all of my grossness, I completely checked out and retracted within myself, because I am not confident in my looks and do not appreciate them. I shut down and refused to even look in his direction (which was hard, because he was between me and my view of the instructor, but I did it anyway).

It’s funny, because if I had to choose between my looks and my intelligence, I would say I am more confident in my intelligence. But if I were not worried about my looks, I wouldn’t even have confidence in my intelligence! It’s like I just cannot be satisfied in myself; I deny myself the ability to be confident in what I possess.

The one and only thing I’ve been able to be confident in 100% of the time? My driving. Go figure.

more faith in myself. I doubt my worth, my ability, everything. If I do something right, and others acknowledge that, I can’t revel in and take ownership and pride in it. I’m constantly watching my back, sure that something I’ve done is going to blow up in my face. I almost wonder if I should even have it as a goal. It’s something nice to strive for, but it’s something I know I will have to work on the rest of my life. It may be depressing to know that I can never really cross it off. But it IS something I want to work on. I don’t know. Where does confidence come from?