be happy

So I guess one last try didn’t work. We are done. I have been on a couple of dates with a new guy but find myself constantly thinking of him. I have no idea why. I can go over the list of things that I want in life and he just doesn’t fit. Do people have to go through a certain designated amount of pain in their lives before they find happiness? I think that happiness is in your own hands and my problem is that I find a certain amount of comfort in being sad. I feel so much anxiety. I should go to the doctor and get some form of “medicine” that numbs me to all of this pain and uncertainty but then I will just walk through life in a daze and will not be able to look back on this time as my “difficult period.” I want to be able to really appreciate true happiness when and if I find it. I don’t really require a lot. I should require more. Maybe that is the entire problem. I need to write a list of all of the things I want in a partner and never settle. Time is my enemy. I have wasted so much of it and now it is laughing in my face as it races by. I continue to get older as nothing around me changes. I know that I have to be proactive in my life but there is a wall that I just can’t get over. I know what I need to do but actually taking action and doing something seems impossible to me.

My perfect life would be to get up every morning at 5:30 and go surfing for about an hour. Come home and walk my wonderful dog. Then go to work selling real estate, helping people to buy their dream homes or sell the homes that mean so much to them. After work I will go the the gym and then come home and take my dog for a walk to the river or park, cook a nice dinner, watch a little t.v. while stretching and doing yoga and then read a good book before bed. On the weekends I can go on longer runs, take my dog to the beach or go on short vacations. I want a cute house with a yard that will keep me busy in the garden and a garage with a kiln and potters wheel and a few tools for woodworking. I would love to have an extra bathroom that is converted into a darkroom to develop black and white photography. This would be my perfect life. It is all so possible and it puts a smile on my face to know that it will be fairly easy to obtain my goals. The hardest part will be to buy a house but it will be fun to save for that and I can work on everything slowly. I would absolutely LOVE to get married and have kids someday but who knows if I will ever meet the right person. I am done putting so much importance on marriage. I look into the future and imagine my perfect life and I will be very happy without anyone else which is so good because it has taken me a long time to realize that people shouldn’t create your happiness but just enhance it. I will find my happiness on my own.