be more positive

So I was waiting for an appointment today, knowing it was a quick 5-10 minute thing. Appointment was at 12:10. Name gets called at 13:30. Ouch!!

Did I sit becoming increasingly annoyed? Nope! Helped that I wasn’t desperately worried about missing work, but I’d gone prepared with my book and saw it as a nice quiet time to catch up on a hundred or so pages! :)

Besides, as I left into the lovely sunny afternoon, I passed a woman sitting in her car, mobile phone in one hand, other pressed across her eyes as she cried. I don’t know what awful news she’d just received (in was a hospital car park), but I’m still here and I’m still healthy. What’s 90 minutes sitting reading, when others before are obviously having problems?

But it’s right: all things pass.

I can’t believe how shitty I feel over something that was never real. But I do, and – yes, totally overblown cliche – I do feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. No – it’s not my heart, it’s my dreams.

But it’s not like my boyfriend left me. I was very gently rejected by a bloke I didn’t really have a relationship with. I’m mourning the loss of what I wanted, not something I had.

And I will get over it. Right now I’m clinging on in a death grip to the pain… it’s all that’s left of a long-term dream? But I will feel better tomorrow. And more so the next day.

You know what? He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous. He wasn’t perfect. Right now I don’t care, but I’ll come back to those thoughts. I’ll get past a day, a week, and I’ll stop missing him.

And like flats, when you’re finally successful, you’ll be so pleased that you missed out on all the previous ones – because they aren’t as good as the one you end up with. It just takes time and patience.

So I get a phonecall saying that yesterday went so well that they want me back next week for a second interview – and what’s my first thought? Utter panic at having to give a presentation, and on a subject I know nothing about (eep!), followed by abject misery that I wouldn’t get my quiet, stress-free weekend after all.

Sheesh!!!

Okay, deep breath: I’ve had my panic attack, I’ve whined about all the negatives that jumped out at me. But here’s this goal: to be a more positive individual. So the job isn’t 100% what I would have gone for, and I’m worried that I don’t have enough of the skills they’re looking for. But hey – I have an actual interview!! Time to focus on the pluses:

• They chose my CV and want to see me.
• It’s a fantastic company.
• It’s about a quarter (or less) of the distance I’m travelling now. (actually, there’s a 15-minute bus service from my front door to their front door. That has to be a sign, doesn’t it!? lol!)
• It’s so many new skills I want to learn, and points me very very firmly in a direction I want to be heading.
• I have a week to learn a little bit about databases. I can’t say I have experience, but at least I can show willingness to learn even pre-interview, and my db module was due to start next month anyway!
• Perhaps if they don’t think I know enough for the specific job, I could still get another post with the same company?
• Absolute minimum: interview experience.

Wish me luck! LOADS of it, please! :)

Okay, half an hour or so after writing this, I’m glad to say that getting it all out of my system has calmed me down wonderfully. So here’s the plan – it starts by taking one day at a time.

I’m going to go into work tomorrow and be genuinely nice to the new girl – none of this is her fault at all. I’m going to try to repeat today’s chilled, chatty and cheery self rather than yesterday’s stressed out bitch. I hope to even try to get in some flirting with N!

Come half four and my ‘job chat’, I’m going to remain calm and yet very firm with my manager that I am not willing to take any more work on at this point. If he wants to discuss me dropping some things in favour of others, that’s one thing, but I will ask that he respects me as much as he is the new girl, and allows me to get to grips with one new bit of work before he throws more at me. I am wonderful, I know, but I’m not superwoman!! ;)

There. If I can still face it, I will be going jogging in the very cold, dark Scottish night – I will try hard not to skip it, but I promise nothing! Then home for a lovely hot shower, some tea, and a lovely early night curled up with a relaxing book.

Thursday can take care of itself after that!

Weirdness. I remain really positive and quite frankly excited (not my usual attitudes, so lovely change!) about the future: change in career, new prospects, and starting so much else of my life around that change.

Then I have to come into the current office and sit still, when I want to be jumping about and doing something proactive.

I have leads. They might not come to anything, but this soon after starting to look, to actually have my first concrete opportunity is amazing. All of a sudden this idea is there and almost tangible, and just so bloody perfect I’m gobsmacked.

And a little scared, but that’s okay. It’s a huge change: I’m hungry for it, but I don’t think it’s possible to feel 100% prepared for such totality.

This morning I finally saw the point in cheesy motivational calendars, as I looked at the slogan for February.

An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty

So. Colleagues leaving – I can see the plus to that very easily!

The downside is the void in our little workforce – the sheer amount of work that needs done… and largely just me to do it. Urm… no thanks! So the opportunity: to remain motivated, to throw my energies into finding a new, better situation – to finally kick my life back into a more directional track.

The panic is swirling, I’m still in shock, but I must try hard to stay positive and focused. Wish me strength!

It might be the ‘flu drugs, but I’m feeling quite zen about this. Been reading some of the many (many many) papers I wanted to refresh myself on, and distill into my presentation, and I’m feeling so… positive! I know what I know, what I want to say, how I’m going to go in there and blow their socks off… IF I wait until I’m feeling better.

So… shall have to see how I go, but right now it seems the better idea to try rescheduling for Monday and hope that it doesn’t count against me.

Lesson for the day: don’t dwell on things when I’m super tired.

I found out this afternoon that I have to do a presentation next week as part of my job interview, on a topic I’m not entirely sure what I really know about it. And I started stressing. NOOOO!! Of course it seems hugely daunting right now – all I’m really good for at the moment is snuggling up in bed! That’s fine, but the trick is to not build up this big icky thing into something insurmountable, just because it seems that way when I’m tired. I’ll work on it a little tomorrow when I’m more awake!

Seems like the perfect time for a new year to me ;) I’ve tried out 43T, and I’m ready to use it to make 2006 the best year of my life!

I really am feeling wonderfully positive right now, that this is going to be my year. For the first time I can remember, I have this sense of control – that my life really is in my own hands, and I can make it (and me) anything I’m willing to put the effort towards!

Ah, what a lovely feeling! I see 12 months stretched out in front of me full of good things for the taking! I’m looking forward to learning lots of new things. To moulding my life in a new direction. To treating myself well, being happy with myself, and making what I have the best I can.

Here’s to all of us: to taking control and getting what we deserve. May your 2006 be filled with happiness and laughter! :)