wake up every morning and signal my reconfirmed intention to change

...as all lizards are wont to do from time to time (that makes no sense unless you know what my ‘base’ avatar usually is!)

I said I wanted to change this year, but I really meant some areas, while others were left static until I was done. Well, sometimes change is thrust upon you.

Spending my time studying, hoping for a better job in three years when I’m done, isn’t really change. It’s… pre-change. Why am I putting off a better, more fulfilling career now? Fear that I’m not good enough – that I need that degree first.

Well, no more. My main priority until April is still those exams, but in the meantime I can change how I view my life: not, 8 hours a day spent biding my time, but looking for a way to make those 8 hours something I feel is worthwhile!

(eeee – too cheesy! These work conferences are getting to me :( )

Anyhoo. Tonight is vaguely a quiet night – as in, I have no plans to go out. New me asks: what other things are on my list that I would enjoy doing this evening?

First up is soup – if I make it tonight, tomorrow’s tea is sorted. A couple of other mini-chores won’t take too long. Studying, natch.

And then… well, I could watch more tv, but I did that yesterday. And tomorrow I’m handing over some books to a mate, after finishing them last week. I meant to review the first one at the weekend. I didn’t. Tonight is perfect for that, ‘cos afterwards I won’t have the book to refer back to! Ideal! A task I want to do, a perfect time slot :)

Trouble is, knowing me, I’m ‘not going to be in the mood’. Well… it’s a hobby, and yes I want to do it. But it’s also vaguely chore-like, and makes me face my ‘writer’s block’ of the past… month.

Nooo! to negative nancy!!

So here’s the plan: I’m having pasta for my tea, so I’ll spoil myself by sticking a bottle of wine in the fridge. After making soup and having dinner, I’ll pour myself a(nother) glass of wine and decamp to the spare room, stick some (classical) music on, and have a mad bohemian-geek evening of java and review writing! Hurrah :)

There are times I just love 43T – well, more so than usual. Right now it’s really helping me see patterns – and avoid them!

Monday night was not a good one for me. I was very tired, had a conversation that left me uptight and annoyed, and fell into bed with the beginnings of that, “What is the point?” feeling about anything and everything. And woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.

Oh dear. This does not help or fit in with my new and improved, all-achieving, world dominating calypte!

Luckily, I caught it early – and on a day when I could easily do something about it. Yes, I have studying to do, and a ton of errands to run before Friday. But… what I really really need is a night off. So I had one! Still went to pilates, but then it was hot bath and sitting on the couch and early to bed.

[aside: proper relaxation time does demand the pc is off! Last night was possibly the first time I did that, and the difference in relaxed-ness after magazine flicking compared to ‘one more’ game of mahjong was immense!! Learn, woman!]

I still need to work on my stamina, but I also need to recognise the near-breaking points and just stop. For a while. And hopefully a very short while! The idea is that a day off from everything will refresh me – any longer than two days, and that’s where the problems always lay before: putting things down for so long, that picking them back up needs a dozen steps back first.

Tonight: back to achieving. Things just have deadlines right now, and that’s okay!

So I didn’t get everything done from my list this weekend, but it’s been a learning curve. Today in particular was a clash of old ‘lazy’ self (sitting about doing nothing is a lot easier than making a decision, let alone the effort, to do something – any something) and new wants-to-be-productive self. In the end, there was a balance. I didn’t get to the cinema, because at the show times I was: making soup, reading in bed, at the gym! All good – and as long as I’m doing something, it’s good enough.

On the other hand, I still took a lot of time to get started this morning – I could have fitted everything in. More, deciding I’d study instead of leaving the house earlier… well, there wasn’t anything useful in mahjong!

Then it occurs to me: you can’t go from doing nothing/as little as possible, to filling every moment, in one fell swoop. My pattern has been set for years: and alas, set by the lowest points. I still remember being so ill that doing even the smallest thing required a large amount of rest afterwards. I’m a hell of a lot healthier now, but I guess I’ve never totally rebuilt my stamina.

So that’s the plan: do something, rest if I need to, do something else as soon as I can. Like the C25K, slowly the ‘somethings’ get longer, and the rests shorter.

And then I take over the world! Mwhahahah!!! :)

What have I been doing with my weekends?!

I woke up quite naturally at 8am this morning, and am meeting someone at 2pm – that’s a whopping SIX HOURS for productivity and chilling both! I’m scared to think that entire time melted away the past few weeks, into… I don’t know what!

Okay, so right now I’m sat here on the ‘pooter as usual – but today it’s part of a schedule! I’m breaking things down into blocks of 1 hour, all the easier to fit in: reading, studying, showering/getting ready/eating, card making, chores – and just messing about :) 15 minutes left, and I go change activity!

I’m half-disgusted with myself at how little I’ve done in weekends over the past few months. I tend to store stuff up during the week (“Oh, I’m so tired – I’ll do it at the weekend!”) or the stuff you just can’t do after work. Then I hit a Saturday, am tired (!), and see this endless list of ‘chores’ – and end up doing none of them. And it’s stupid, ‘cos most aren’t chores!!

Anyway – the new me sees time as something to use, ‘cos trying to hold on to it for ‘something’ just means you lose it all!

• Study goals – CH/w and java, finish current chapters of each
• Card making – Christmas is getting closer…!
• Cooking – 2x main meals, prepare a third, plus batch of soup for the coming week, and apple tart experiment
• Gym! – definitely time to start easing myself back in!!
• Cinema – I pay for the pass, time to use the pass!
• Shopping – postponed until next weekend
• Video de-stockpiling – 3 week’s worth of the chosen programs…!

Now, here’s a thought: there are things in that list that do not require a weekend. If I shifted my behind just a l’il bit more of a week night, I could be accomplishing more of those leaving the weekend ‘free’ for those shopping trips! And it’s not difficult stuff: card making and watching videos? I just need to get out of this rut of being distracted by nonsense!

For instance… to fit everything in, now would have been the time to hit the shops. But I decided it would be a nicer visit next weekend, and the time could be well spent studying/card making. So – if I don’t do those things, I really should have gone to the shop – there’s no point in dropping an activity unless you do the thing you wanted to instead – it’s all about purposefulness.

Anyway. This is Weekend 1, and the main goal is to hit the pillow on Sunday night feeling that I’ve used what time I have productively, and still left myself relaxed and ready for a new week. Bring it on!!

So yesterday was not a productive day, largely cos I slept badly (then again, I always sleep badly – ‘tis a good deal of the problem!!) and from the word go was just weary. I have to allow for that in my plans to conquer the universe: I told myself I was having a recuperation day, building my stamina for the next assault.

Today I’m still tired, but since yesterday was a lazy today, today I have to work – at least some! – through it. That is the plan.

It’s not about being perfect all the time, it’s about keeping going and doing what I can when I can.

So tonight: studying, and I’d like to do some card making, and then yes – there will be a hefty dose of relaxation. And this weekend is going to be the weekend of productivity!!

Remember: this is my life. These are the things I want to achieve. Ergo, the short time I have in each day must be used well, towards those things I WANT!

Right, here we are: morning – and today I’m going to work on all the things I actually want to accomplish, instead of wasting yet another opportunity!

I’m about to do some java programming. There will be more post-work. And notes on assembly language.

During the day, there will be no sweets snacking. I have homemade soup, a yogurt, and a smoothie. Dinner is on the indulgent side – I will not compound that during the day!

Tonight I will work out pixy’s craft bill, and use that to inspire myself to a card (a quick and easy one!).

I’m giving the ‘writer’s block’ the heave, but gracing myself a little more time on the book reviews – a silly, top 10 sci-fi tv list will do for this week.
_{what’s your favourite sci-fi tv? :)}

And then I shall go to bed, early, with book, and relax into a good night’s sleep!

• java programming pre-work
• regulate snackage
• CH/w notes
• make dinner
• java programming post-work
• post top 10 list ‘review’ – happy to postpone
• pixy’s bill
• quick card (at least start one)
• bed with book!

• made muffins
• shopping list
• talked to dad
• wrote out new i/o programming code
• updated MSc message board thingy, ‘cos I’d forgotten about it

edit
Between getting home later than expected, and forgetting a couple of chores when I made that list, I think I’ve done pretty well! I’ve certainly felt more productive than I have been all week (if not longer), which was the main thing. More, please!

And now – to bed, to relax.

I’ve been pretty sluggish of late, once again hitting that feeling that I’m using 43T for entertainment rather than a tool for moving my goals forwards, and indeed, life has been at a standstill. So I started thinking about adopting something around the idea of doing something daily to progress my main goals – and by ‘something’, I mean even just 2 minutes of work, just to keep moving and get out of this rut.

All good, so what are my main goals? Turned out to be a very small list: studying! Fitness/health, yes, but that’s been rather off the cards of late with the perma-sniffles. And everything else I want to do just doesn’t seem important enough for that kind of push. Until I started grouping them…!

So here’s what I’ve come up with as broad headings:

• MSc – even if I just copy out two lines, something to keep me going forwards.
• Creativity – as a balance, good for the soul. This could be card making, review writing, or a couple of minutes with my guitar. Perhaps cooking counts, too?
• Physical – grouping fitness and just general ‘body beautiful’ stuff, so pilates and morning stretches, or a body brushing and moisturising sesson. Or some 4DW stuff.
• Mental – keeping my motivation up, really. I really liked the 4DW around meditation: quiet, relaxing time. I’ve also been filling in a daily gratitude journal, and making the effort to acknowledge a daily treat.

Not really so much. Now, they reckon it takes 90 days to fix a new habit, so I plan to track my daily progress here, try to make it stick! The past week has been a practice week, and it’s not been going too badly: definitely the studying got back into my routine – and that’s what the ‘get into a routine’ goal I have/had is/was about for me too, so if I do this, I’ll tick that off.

maths / IT / card making / writing / art / cooking

Once upon a time I remember a friend telling me how passionately I spoke about books, or music.

I feel… I lack passion for anything in life now. That I’ve trained myself away from expressing it? Sometimes I feel like I’ve tied myself into a degree, and am suppressing any creative side through fear of losing focus on the studying.

But… I’m proud of my geeky side. It’s fabulous that I’m capable of doing a second degree, in a different subject, and one I was passionate enough about to sign up for. I just have to remember I love the topic, the challenge, not get bogged down in the nitty-gritty.

And the art side is cool, too. I don’t have to stomp on it – the two can co-exist, and it will be tres cool if I can combine them in different ways. I have ideas! I just need to stop pretending I can’t cope with now if my head is excited about the future.

My reconfirmed intention to change? I can and will enjoy all aspects of me and my life. Throw myself at it all with a passion!

I’m becoming incredibly frustrated at having my entire life put on hold by my mysteriously lingering snuffles from heck (they aren’t that bad, all things considered!). On the other hand, it’s been a great excuse to step back and re-examine… stuff. Life, the universe me-niverse, and everything turquoise.

This morning I woke up, slightly annoyed at the noise coming from downstairs – bad enough girlie woke me up singing just before midnight (weird, freakish, half-awake dreams are caused by ‘I Will Survive’ drifting up through the floorboards…), but her little boy is the noisiest brat ever. I didn’t think the word ‘mummy’ could be so damn irritating!

::deep breath:: Anyway. After a while, I tried to realign my thinking: I didn’t want to sleep late anyway (sooner or later I have to go back to work!), and actually, it’s kind of nice just lying there with no pressures on my day beyond trying to get well.

And with that was the thought that I want/need to start picking the threads of my life back up again. The gym is on long-term hold, alas, but a bit of yoga and (tin of kidney beans!) arm exercises can creep in soon, I hope. Same with the studying – I’ll chase up the remaining two modules when I get back to work, but in the meantime I can pick away at the one I have, get my concentration back up to speed.

And little things. It’s been quite nice the past week, watching movies of an evening. I should make time for that in normal life – without having the computer on all the time instead. I’ve spent so much time online of late, I’m starting to feel a little sick of it. I’ll excuse myself for the past week, but it’s starting to feeling incredibly unhealthy. It’s a way of filling time without doing anything at all – lazy, and unhelpful.

I want to make cards. I want to do the dishes without letting them pile up. I want more little accomplishments, like clearing out my wardrobe yesterday – relatively little effort, but it’s done. The pile of magazines I’ve whittled down in the last few weeks – hurrah! Not ‘useful’, but better than another pointless internet browse.

I need to go slow, ease back into reality. But in doing so, perhaps I can pick those threads up in a more systematic, logical, and sustainable manner?